the total comments on my first Hot Topic was 128
of which I commented 14 times and you commented 97
I removed it briefly so you would leave it alone and get used to writing on the second one as I asked.
Just so those who may be interested and yourself can relive your comments I thought it would be nice to put them all on this journal for your very own.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-10 06:57:21
Can I give a clean but civilized joke ever once in awhile on your Off Topic journal.

I hope this journal does not get pushed so far ahead that I may find trouble finding it. I will go into your profile and locate it. Thanks Jan for opening up your journal to me. I don't think you will regret it. HEE HEE.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-10 07:04:31
We have been praising Janilye. And, rightfully so! But, Let's not forget Ngaiedith! She is brilliant. What a valuable asset she is to FamilyTreeCircles. So dependable and thorough in her journals. You will defintely not find any junk in her journals. You are appreciated!!!

by janilye on 2011-08-10 09:04:30
I've discovered that from NOW and for the next 5 hours, is the best time to post a query or a journal, which will be seen on the front page.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-11 02:14:12
I went to see my Doctor. I said, "Doctor every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up!" What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the Dentist and asked if he could give me a new tooth to match my other teeth. He put in a tooth with three cavities.

I told my Psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - Everyone hasn't met me yet.

Rodney Dangerfield - Comedian

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-11 07:36:03
I was surfing the Webb and came across these inspiring Words of Wisdom.

**Humor is contagious...Laughter is infectious...Both are good for your health.

**"There is no limit to what can be accomplished when no one cares who gets credit." - John Wooden

**"Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality." - Dali Lama

**How can anyone ever love you for who you are if you become someone else to be with them?- Author Unk.

**A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. - Author Unk.

**To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world. - Author Unk.

**"When you give up your own truth to win at someone else's game everyone loses."

**Faith doesn't get you around trouble, it gets you through it. - Author Unk

**There is no way to peace. Peace is the way. - Author Unk.

**The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past. You can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches. Author Unk.

**Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear. Author Unk.

The webb site has tons of words of wisdom and quotes.
**The site is secular/religious. Here is the webb site:

www.spiritteaching.com/words%20of%20wisdom.html

by janilye on 2011-08-11 07:49:46
careful I don't block you Butch- I have the power

by janilye on 2011-08-11 12:58:49
My Town

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-12 19:36:47
THINGS PEOPLE SAY IN ACTUAL COURT PROCEEDINGS

L** And where was the location of the accident?
W** Approximately milepost 499.
L** And where is milepost 499?
W** Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

L** You say the stairs went down to the basement?
W** Yes
L** And these stairs, did they go up also?

L** Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a disposition notice that I sent to your attorney?
W** No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

L** Were you not shot in the fracas?
W** No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

L** All your responses must be "oral" Do you understand?
W** Yes sir.
L** What school did you go to?
L** Well, We are all waiting for an answer. (Exasperation)
W** "Oral"

L** Do you recall the time you examined the body?
W** The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
L** And Mr. Lee was dead at the time?
W** No, He was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.

L** Now Doctor, isn't it true when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
W** Did you actually pass the bar exam?

L** Sir, what is your IQ?
W** Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

by janilye on 2011-08-12 19:53:03
TRUE STORY:
I had a friend who was Chief Magistrate in Melbourne and he had a 'Face' up befor him one day and the judgement was 6 months gaol. The magistrate heard the prisoner mutter ("I can do that standing on my head") and the magistrate said, " Well, here's another 6 to get you back on your feet."

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-12 20:49:52
HAHA Great!! That is funny. "Don't pull on the magistrate"s cape!"

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-14 09:25:01
THE CENSUS TAKER

It was the first day of census, and all through the land

each pollster was ready --- a black book in hand.

He mounted his horse for a long dusty ride,

his book and some quills were tucked close by his side.

A long winding ride down a road barely there, toward the

smell of fresh bread wafting , up through the air.


The woman was tired, with lines on her face

and wisps of brown hair she tucked back into place.

She gave him some water as they sat at the table,

and she answered his questions...the best she was able.

He asked her of children, Yes, she had quite a few -

the oldest was twenty, the youngest not two.


She held up a toddler with cheeks round and red;

his sister, she whispered, was napping in bed.

She noted each person who lived there with pride,

and she felt the faint stirrings of the wee one inside.

He noted the sex, the colour, the age...

the marks from the quill soon filled up the page.


At the number of children, she nodded her head

and saw her lips quiver for the three that were dead.

The places of birth she "never forgot" -

was it Texas? or Utah? or Michigan ... or not?

They came from Scotland, of that she was clear.

but she wasn't quite sure just how long they'd been here.


They spoke of employment, of schooling and such,

they could read some...and write some...though really not much.

When the questions were answered, his job there was done

as he mounted his horse and he rode toward the sun.

We can almost imagine his voice loud and clear,

"May God bless you all for another ten years."


Now picture a time warp...It's now you and me.

as we search for the people on our family tree.

We squint at the census and scroll down so slow

as we search for that entry from long, long ago.

Could they only imagine on that long ago day

that the entries they made would affect us this way?


If they knew, would they wonder at the yearning we feel

and the searching that makes them so increasingly real.

We can hear if we listen the words that they impart

through the blood in our veins and their voices in our hearts.

http://members.home.nl/sjouwke/genealogic/jokes.htm.

by janilye on 2011-08-14 09:38:25
We did our census last week. There don't seem to be as many questions at there used to be. Took me less than 2 minutes online.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-14 13:53:17
TOP 10 INDICATORS THAT YOU'VE BECOME A GENEALOGIST

1. Your elusive ancestor has been spotted in more different places than Elvis!

2. More than half of your CD collection is made up of marriage records or pedigrees.

3. The only film you've seen in the last year was the 1880 census index.

4. The local genealogy society borrows books from you.

5. You've not only read the latest GEDCOM standard, but also you understand it.

6. You've even taken a tape recorder and/or notebook to a family reunion.

7. You have more photographs of dead people than of living ones.

8. You can recite your lineage back eight generations, but can't remember your nephew's name.

9. You've never met any of the people you send e-mail to, even though you're related.

10. You introduce your daughter as your descendent.

****************************************************************

The above would not be complete without the following:


YOU KNOW YOU ARE A GENEALOGY ADDICT WHEN....

1. You brake for libraries.

2. You hyperventilate at the sight of an old cemetery.

3. You would rather browse in a cemetery than a shopping mall.

4. You would rather read census schedules than a good book.

5. You are more interested in what happened in 1699 than in 2011.

6. Eenrum, Baflo and Groningen are household names, but you can't remember what to call the dog.

7. You store your clothes under the bed (or wear the same two outfits to save space), because your closet is full of books and papers.

8. All your correspondence begins with "Dear Cousin".

9. You have traced every one of your ancestral lines back to Adam and Eve, you have it documented and still don't want to quit.

10. You most important social life is meeting people who you run into while searching a family line.

*******************************************************************

by poorone on 2011-08-14 15:36:33
Thank you Janilye for starting this and thank you 1Bobbylee for giving me a smile and laugh this day. It is so nice of you to share these jokes and funny tidbits with others. You both are awesome!!!

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-14 17:20:47
Thanks Poorone. You got me started again!

I AM MY OWN GRANDPA!

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad and so became my Uncle, though it made me very sad. For if he was my uncle,
then that also made him brother to the widow' grown-up daughter who, of course, was my step-mother. Father's wife then had a son, who
kept them on the run. and he became my grandson, for he was
my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue, because, although she is my wife, she's my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, it simply drives me wild. For now I have become the strangest case you every saw. As the husband of my grandmother,
"I AM MY OWN GRANDPA!"

by lisabelle on 2011-08-14 20:19:09
Thank you Janilye for starting this.Laughter is so good for us all.

I read this somewhere, can't remember where, but thought it was rather good.

I have learned that I still have a lot to learn.

I have learned that people will forget what you said,people will forget what you did,but people will never forget how you made them feel.

I have learned that making a "living" is not the same as making a life.

I have learned that you can tell a lot about a person, by the way they handle these three things. A rainy day,lost luggage and tangled christmas lights!

I have learned that when I have a pain I don't have to be one.

I have learned that when you decide something with an open heart, you usually make the right decision.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-15 10:30:17
THESE ARE COPIES OF ACTUAL CORRSPONDENCE RECEIVED BY THE FAMILY HISTORY DEPARTMENT


My grandfather died at the age of 3.

We are sending you 5 children in a separate envelope.

The wife of #22 could not be found. Somebody suggested that she might have been stillborn - What do you think?

I am mailing you my aunt and uncle and 3 of their children.

Enclosed please find my Grandmother. I have worked on her for 30 years without success.

I have a hard time finding myself in London. If I were there, I was very small and cannot be found.

This family had 7 newphews that I am unable to find. If you know who they are, please add them to the list.

We lost our Grandmother, will you please send us a copy?

A 14-year-old boy write: "I do not want you to do research for me. Will you please send me all the material on the Welch line, in the US, England, and Scotland countries? I will do the research."

Will you please send me the name of my first wife? I have forgotten her name.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-15 17:18:00
FUNNY EPITAPHS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD

"Reader-if "cash" thou art in want of any,
Dig four feet deep and find a penny."

Epitaph of John Penny, Wimborne, England


"Solomon Peas.
Peas is not here,
Only the pod.
Peas shelled out,
Went "home" to God."

Epitaph in a cemetery near Wetumpka, Ala.

"Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake,
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake."

"Here lies the body of Zeke,
Second fastest draw in Cripple Creek."

"Coming blooming youths, as you pass by,
And on these lines do cast an eye.
As you are now, so once was I;
As I am now, so must you be;
Prepare for death and follow me."

Underneath, someone had added:

"To follow you
I am not content,
How do I know
Which way you went."

by janilye on 2011-08-15 19:42:26
I think this will be my epitaph;

Gone to Heaven to meet
the people their lives I did tell
I hope I'm welcomed with open arms
and not told to go to hell.
janilye: R.I.P

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-16 16:52:37
Heeereees Rodney!

I am such a bad cook. If we leave dental flose in the kitchen, the Roaches Hang themselves.

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says, "Why are you hitting me?" There is nobody behind us."

My hotel room is so small, when I put my key in, I broke the window.

An intoxicated man was in front of a judge. The judge Says, "You've been brought here for drinking. The intoxicated man says, "Okay, Let's get started"

Barber: Your hair is getting grey sir. Customer: I'm not surprised, Hurry up, will you?

What does it mean if you find a horse shoe? Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.

A Butler came running into his important Master's office. "Sir, Sir "There is a ghost in the corridor. What shall I do with him?" Without looking up from his work, the Master said, "Tell him I can't see him."

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-16 20:43:58
Janilye's delightful journal, "Marbles" inspired me to share this story with you.


"IT'S WHAT YOU SCATTER"

I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes...I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily apprising a basket of freshly picked green peas.

I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes.

Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me.

'Hello Barry, how are you today?'

'H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Just' admirin' them peas. They sure look good.' 'They are good Barry. How's your Ma?' 'Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time.
'Good. Anything I can help you with? "No, Sir. Jus' admirin them peas.' 'Would you like to take some home?' Asked Mr. Miller. 'No Sir. Got nuthin to pay for 'em with'
'Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas? "All I got's my prize "marble" here.'
'Is that right? Let me see it' said Miller.
'I can see that. Hmmm mmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?' the
store owner asked.
'Not zackley but almost.
"Tell you what."
Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble'. Mr. Miller told the boy.
'Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller.'
Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me. With a smile she said, 'There are two other boys like him in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever.'

When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn't like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, when they come on their next trip to the store.'


I left the store smiling to myself, impressed with this man. A short time later I moved to Colorado, but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys, and their bartering for marbles. Several years went by, each more rapid than the previous one. Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community and while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died. They were having his visitation that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them. Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could.
Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts...all very professional looking. They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her husband's casket.

Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket. Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one; each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket. Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.

Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and reminded her of the story from those many years ago and what she had told me about her husband's bartering for marbles. With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket.

'Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about. They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim 'traded' them. Now at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or size...they came to pay their debt.

'We've never had a great deal of the wealth of this world,' she confided, 'but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho...'

With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely "shined red marbles."

The Moral: We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind deeds. Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath.

Today I wish you a day of ordinarty miracles ~ A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself.

Green stoplights on your way to work....

A good sing-along song on the radio...

Your keys found right where you left them.


"IT'S NOT WHAT YOU GATHER, BUT WHAT YOU SCATTER THAT TELLS WHAT KIND OF LIFE YOU HAVE LIVED!"

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-17 21:08:35
Hey Members... Just as Janilye says, As Janilye emphasized, FTC is a genealogy site. Genealogy and History. This is the foremost thing.
But, If you want to get away from deeds, birth and death certificates, etc. Why not give an opinion or share a thought? Maybe you have a clean and civilized joke you would like to share. Or a human interest story of yourself. Or a story from another source that might very well be entertaining to us members. This journal was created for us all. But, defintely not to ever take the place of FTC original purpose of helping those with their family tree and or historical information on their Ancestors or descendents.
Of course, we do not want to expose real names, places, etc.

I am a chatterbox. Too often sometimes, I write as much as I chatter.

Here is your chance! Make us smile and/or ponder...
This journal is just one among dozens and dozens.
I'm with Poorone when the statement was made: "Thank you Janilye for starting this."

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-18 09:24:07
LETTER TO MY GRANDCHILDREN
Author Unknown

To my beautiful grandchildren...

Our world is changing so fast and there are many things I wish
for you.

I'd really like for you to know about hand-me-down clothes and
homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I
really would.

I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you
learn honesty by being cheated.

I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and
wash the car.

And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you
are sixteen.

I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe
in.

I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother
or sister.

And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of
the room, but when they want to crawl under the covers with
you because they're scared, I hope you let them.

When you want to see a movie and your little brother or sister
wants to tag along, I hope you'll let them.

I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and
that you live in a town where you can do it safely.

On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't
ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be
seen riding with someone as uncool as your Mom.

If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to
make one instead of buying one.

I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books.

When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to
add and subtract in your head.

I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first
crush, and when you talk back to your Mother that you learn
what ivory soap tastes like.

May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand
on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.

I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it.

And if a friend offers you drugs, I hope you realize that he or she
is not your friend.

I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your
grandparents and go fishing with your uncle.


** These are just some of the things that I wish for you-tough
times and disappointment, hard work and happiness. To me,
It's the only way to appreciate life. **

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-18 13:58:38
WHAT TO DO ABOUT THE BLACK SHEEP


The Smith's were proud of
their family tradition. Their
ancestors had come to
America on the
Mayflower. Their line
had included Senators and
Wall Street wizaqrds. Now
they decided to compile a
family history, a legacy for
the children. They hired a
fine author. Only one
problem arose - how to
handle that great-uncle
who was executed in the
electric chair. The author
said he could handle that
chapter of history tactfully.
It said, "Great-uncle George
occupied a chair of
applied electronics at an
important government institution,
was attached to his position by the
strongest of ties and...and his death
came as a real shock."

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-18 18:35:14
MORE FUNNY EPITAPHS FROM AROUND THE WORLD

Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good
Die Young

Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.

Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is strange.

Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made
her go.

Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see
if
the car was on the way down. It
was.

Here lies Butch,
We planted him raw,
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-20 14:31:37
"THE BOX"


Come, look with me inside
this drawer,
In this box I've often seen,
At the pictures, black and
white,
Faces proud, still, and
serene.
I wish I knew the people,
These strangers in the box,
Their names and all their
memories,
Are lost among my socks.
I wonder what their lives
were like,
How did they spend their
days?
What about their special
times?
I'll never know their ways.
If only someone had taken
time,
To tell who, what, where,
and when,
These faces of my heritage,
Would come to life again.
Could this become the fate,
Of the pictures we take
today?
The faces and the
memories,
Someday to be passed
away?
Take time to save your
stories,
Seize the opportunity when
it knocks,
Or someday you and yours,
Could be strangers in the
box.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-20 19:03:00
I'M NOT OLD - JUST MATURE

Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent. From my purchase,

this chap took off ten percent. I asked the cause of a lesser amount

and he answered, "Because of the senior discount." I went to

McDonald's for a burger and fries and there once again, got quite a

surprise. The clerk poured the coffee and said, "It is free."

Understand, I'm not old for sure, just mature. But some things are

changing, temporarily I'm sure. The newspaper print gets smaller

each day. And people speak softer-Can't hear what they say. My

teeth are my own (I have the receipt). And my glasses identify

people I meet. Oh, I've slowed down a bit, not a lot I am sure.

You see, I'm not old, just mature. The gold in my hair has

been bleached by the sun. You should see all the damage chlorine

has done. Washing my hair had turned it all white. But don't call

call it gray, saying blond is just right. My car is paid for, not

a nickel is owed. Yet a kid yells, "Old duffer, get off the road!"

My car has no scratches, not even a dent. Still, I get all that guff

from a punk, who's hell bent. My friends all get older, much faster

than me. They seem more wrinkled from what I can see. I have

"character lines" No wrinkles for sure. But don't call me old,

just call me mature.

The steps in the house they're building today, are so high they

take your breath away. And the streets are much steeper than

years ago. That should explain why my walking is so slow. But

I'm keeping up on what's hip and what's new. And I think I can

still dance a mean boogaloo. I'm still in the running, in this

I'm secure. I'm not old, just mature.

Source Van Wert Connection, Spring 1999

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-21 14:26:34
THE GENEALOGIST'S GRAVE

Two men were walking home after a psrty and decided to take a
shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of
the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming
from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man
with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the tombstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You
scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you
doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

EPITAPHS


IN MEMORY OF Bezaq Wood

Departed this life
Nov. 2, 1837
Aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood
Within another.
The outer Wood
Is very good:
We cannot praise the other.

From Burlington Vt.

She lived with her husband fifty years
And died in the confident hope of a better life.

Here lies my husband:
Here let him lie!
Now he's at rest
And so am I

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-21 22:45:36
The following quotations are taken from official records across the nation, showing how funny and embarassing it is that recorders operate at all times in courts of law, so that even the slightest inadvertence is preserved for posterity.


Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
Witness:"I only have one you know."

Accused defendng his own case: "Did you get a good look at my face
when I took your purse?"

The defendent was found guilty and sentenced to a lengthy jail term.

L: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
W: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."

L: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
W: "No, he was wearing a mask.
L: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
W: "Er...his face."

L: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
W: "He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
L: "And why did that upset you?"
W: "My name is Susan!"

L: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
W: "After the accident?"
L: "Before the accident."
W: "Sure, I played the clarinet for ten years. I even went to school for it."

L: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
W: "yes."
L: "Did the defendent say anything when she got out of her car?"
W: "Yes, sir."
L: "What did she say?"
W: "What disco am I at?"

L: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
W: "Not yet."

L: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
W: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-22 18:21:41
WHO'S WEARING THE PANTS?

A man died and went up to heaven. Upon arriving he noticed two signs, One said, "Men Who Are Bossed By Their Wives," the other one said, Men Not Bossed By Their Wives." After closer inspection, he noticed that while next to the first sign was a big line, by the second sign there was just one lone man. After getting even closer,
he realized it was his friend Harry. "Hey Harry" the man questioned, "what in the world are you doing here? Your wife bosses you around more than anybody." "I don't know" Harry replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-22 18:57:27
Hey men. We just can't win!

MY RELATIVES

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-23 18:54:11
"LITTLE JOHNNY"

PAIN IN THE SIDE

At Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think i'm going to have a wife."

LITTLE JOHNNY ASKS ABOUT BALDNESS

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things.

"Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.

"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.

Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, "So why do you have so much hair?"

LITTLE JOHNNY AND THE EVILS OF LIQUOR

Little Johnny's chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whisky, and two worms.

"Now class, Observe what happens to the two worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.

He then dropped the second worm in the whisky glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded. "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-23 21:46:09
TWO HORSES
Author Unknown

Just up the road from my home is a field, with two horses in it. From a distance, each horse looks like any other horse.

But, if you get a closer look, you will notice something quite interesting.

One of the horses is blind.

His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made him a safe and comfortable barn to live in.

This alone is pretty amazing.

But, if you stand nearby and listen, you will hear the sound of a bell. It is coming from a smaller horse in the field.

Attached to the horse's halter is a small, copper-colored bell. It lets the blind friend know where the other horse is, so he can follow.

As you stand and watch these two friends, you'll see that the horse with the bell is always checking on the blind horse, and that the blind horse will listen for the bell and then slowly walk to where the other horse is, trusting he will not be led astray.

When the horse with the bell returns to the shelter of the barn each evening, he will stop occasionally to look back, making sure the blind friend isn't too far behind to hear the bell.

Like the owners of these two horses, the Sweet Rose of Sharon does not throw us away just because we are not perfect. Or because we have problems or challenges.

He watches over us and even brings others into our lives to help us when we are in need.

Sometimes we are the blind horse, being guided by the little ringing bell of those who The Good Shepherd places in our lives.

And at other times we are the guide horse, helping others to find their way.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-24 11:29:34
Where is Dad?

A man and his wife received a letter from their son who went to study overseas:

My beloved Parents,

I miss you so much. I don't know when I'm coming home, but it seems not anytime soon. It breaks my heart to think that by the time I get back you'll be too old. So enclosed you will find a bottle of a magic drink I have invented. It will make you young, so when I return you'll be the same age as I left you.

Note: "Please take only one drop."

So they opened the envelope and in it there is a bottle with a purple drink. The husband looks at the wife and says: "You go first." So the wife opens the bottle and takes a drop. Thereafter the husband follows. After seeing how beautiful and young just one drop transformed his wife, he eagarly turned the bottle up and drank it all.

Years later the son returns home to find his mother 10 years younger and carrying a baby on her back. The son asks, "Mom, Where is Dad?"
"He's the baby I'm carrying on my back!"

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-24 18:21:05
A LETTER TO GOD

Funny story about an old lady who has no money

A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in shaky handwriting to God. He thought, "I better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and it read: "Dear God, I am a 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a hundred dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check.

"Next Sunday is Mother's Day, and I had invited my last two friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with." "I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?" The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into their wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done. Mother's Day came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?" "Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift."
"By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. It was no doubt those thieving degenerate lowlifes at the post office!!!!!!

by tonkin on 2011-08-24 18:49:01
Keep em coming bobbylee.

Know any good fart jokes ... ?

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-24 20:14:00
MUSICAL INSTRUMENT IN CHURCH


Gastrological joke: An elderly couple were attening church services. The wife was a former renowed french horn musician. About halfway through, she leans over and says, "I just silently tooted from my wind instrument, what do you think I should do?" He replies,
"Tomorrow put a new battery in your hearing aid. But for now, "Go over and sit next to Tonkin!!!

by tonkin on 2011-08-24 20:46:19
Sound's like a lovely lady. May need a tune up, but she'll do.


What's the first thing you do when you bottle a fart ... ?

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-24 22:10:59
OLD TIMERS REMEMBER

A computer was something you seen on TV, from a science fiction show.

A window was something you hated to clean ~ And ram was the cousin of a goat ~ Meg was the name of my girlfriend, ~ And gig was a job for the nights.

Now they all mean different things, ~ And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment ~ A program was a TV show, ~ A cursor was someone who used profanity. ~ A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age, ~ a CD was a bank account. ~ Compress was something you did to the garbage, ~ Not something you did to a file, ~ Log on was adding wood to the fire. ~ Hard drive was a long trip on the road. ~ A mouse pad was where a mouse lived, ~ And a backup happened to your commode. ~ Cut you did with scissors, ~ Paste you did with glue. ~ A web was something a spider made. ~ And a virus was the flu.

I guess I will stick to my pen and paper, ~ And the memory in my head. ~ I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash, ~ But when it happens - They wish they were dead!!

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-24 22:24:28
Sorry Tonkin. I got ahead of your question above. I don't know. I've never really thought about it.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-25 01:14:21
I went to buy some camouflage the other day but, I couldn't find any.

Slept like a log last night... Woke up in the fireplace.

Now most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought. "This is unusual." The dentist said to me, "Mr Lee get out of the filing cabinet!"

There went Rodney!!

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-25 01:30:50
My chatterbox needs a rest from chattering... Have neglected some chores. My city here in N.C. is expecting high winds, storms, and heavy rains this weekend. It will be a spin off from hurricane Irene that will probably hit our N.C. coast over the weekend.

Lord willing and the creeks don't rise around here, I'll be back.

You all take care now.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-27 18:31:50
I'm back. Work is hard when I have to work my neglect from work. The coast in N.C. sustained high winds and some damage. But, Not as bad as expected. I have a dear friend living at Southport N.C. on the coast. Some damage, but not catastrophic.. Here in my home town N.C. We did not get the flooding that was expected. Thank the Lord. We had plenty of damage the past several months from severe weather and high winds.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A GENEALOGIST'S PRAYER

Lord, help me dig into the past
And sift the sands of time
That I might find the roots that made
This family tree of mine.

Lord, help me trace the ancient roads
On which my fathers trod,
And led them through so many lands
To find our present sod.

Lord, help me find an ancient book
Or dusty manuscript,
That's safely hidden now away
In some forgotten crypt.

Lord, let it bridge the gap that haunts
My soul when I can't find,
The missing link between some name
That ends the same as mine.


Author Anonymous

by Scott_J on 2011-08-27 19:13:23
Glad you're ok down there 1bobbylee.

Irene's just arriving up here in MA. Tomorrow's our big day.

by janilye on 2011-08-27 19:27:59
Hopefully it will fizzle out, but still, I learned many years ago don't ever tempt nature. GET OUT OF THERE!!!

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-27 20:01:34
Thanks Scott. My friend and her husband who live in Southport N.C. on the Carolina coast have arrived at her brother's house in York, SC.
They have concerns to what damage their house sustained. Yeah, Irene is roaring up the East coast. It may fizzle out and may not be as strong. Let's hope so! I spent four years in MA. Loved it up there. Especially the North and South shores. I really enjoyed jumping in my little car and traveling to Gloucester and that area. I use to sit and watch the artists paint scenic sea, coast and ship portraits. Beautiful! I have a painting of a colonial period mast ship.

Jan, It has fizzled out in my town area N.C. In 1989 Hurricane Hugo came roaring through Charleston and was clicking along about 80-85 mph when it came spinning into Mt Holly NC (My mother's home town.) I went to stay with her. At eight o'clock she went to bed and was soon snoring! About midnight Hugo hit full force. The power went off and was off for about a week. Some areas longer than that. Luckily for Mom, she has gas and not electricity. At daylight, I looked out and big trees were lying across the street and some had fell on houses. When Mom woke up, she sure was surprised to see the destruction. She slept right through it! I was sitting in a chair with candles and oil lamps for light with eyes I'm sure as big as saucers. Mom, since she was a little girl always slept with a small new testament in and under her pillow. Mom had two big aged pecan trees in the front and back of her house. In the morning they were standing tall and no big limbs broken off.

Thank you Scott and Jan for your concern. See, I told you I was a chatterbox.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-27 21:48:09
AD IN THE PAPER

This is a very funny story about an older person whose mate died and she went to put an ad in the paper about his funeral.

Story Begins:

The local newspaper funeral notice telephone operator received a phone call. A woman on the other end asked, "How much do funeral notices cost?"

"$5.00 per word, Ma'am," came the response.

"Good, do you have a paper and pencil handy?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

"OK, write this: 'Fred dead.'"

"I'm sorry, Ma'am; I forgot to tell you
there's a five word minimum."

"Hmmph," came the reply, "You
certainly did forget to tell me that."
A moment of silence. "Got your pencil and paper?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

"OK, print this: 'Fred dead,
Cadillac for sale.'"

by tonkin on 2011-08-28 16:27:17
Good morning bobbylee.

Glad your still here. Let's hope Scott is.

How about a joke to get my belly going ...

by Scott_J on 2011-08-28 17:13:33
Still here! We only lost power for a total of 10 minutes all day in spite of many trees down in the area.

by tonkin on 2011-08-28 17:24:21
Someone said if you talk to God He may not reply ...

... He did this time.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-28 17:36:55
WRONG E-MAIL


It's wise to remember how easily email--this wonderful technology-- can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Read this short funny story.

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:


Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-28 17:41:09
That's great Scott... Only 10 minutes loss of power. That's fantastic! How about your neighbors, your town, and your state? Were they as fortunate? Sure hope so.

by Scott_J on 2011-08-28 17:47:43
We're pretty fortunate. Others didn't fare as well. There are lots of people without power today, and hundreds of trees down around my town and the state.

(added: just heard on the radio that there are a million people here in MA without power. Wow!)

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-28 17:56:34
Sorry for them all. One who has felt the sting and power of a hurricane can understand when one is up close and there. You will now see the goodness of humans. I can hear those chain saws starting up... That's the way it was in mom's home town. Neighbors helping neighbors. Chain saws roaring away...

by janilye on 2011-08-28 19:27:56
Glad to see you're fine.So it's 'Good Night Irene' and by the look of the weather map 'Good Morning Jose' It seems Jose is heading for the coast of Bermuda so that will be the next one to watch.
I just wanted to inform members this week, ancestry.com.au is having a free access week for searching immigration records around the world. If you don't happen to be a member of ancestry or your membership is limited it is an offer we really shouldn't miss. ancestry has immigration records not available anywhere else online.
Now I sound like spam!!
Have a great day everyone.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-28 20:59:47
THINGS SAID IN A COURT OF LAW

Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
Lawyer: "So, when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"

L: "Do you drink when you are on duty?"
W: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."

L: "What is your date of birth?"
W: "July 15th."
L: "What Year?"
W: "Every year."

The Court: "Now ,as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."

L: "Now, Mrs. Johnson. how was your first marriage terminated?"
W: "By death."
L: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

L: "What is your marital status?"
W: "Fair."

L: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?"
W: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-28 21:24:09
Thanks Jan. "Go away, Jose!!"

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-29 03:56:08
You may have already heard. Between Richmond Va and Washington, DC there was a 5.9 earthquake. From what I've gathered, quite a few in my town felt the effects of it. Floors shook, china cabinets rattled, dogs and goats ran for cover. We are approximately 400 miles from the center of quake.

by Scott_J on 2011-08-29 07:48:53
It's natural disaster week here on the East Coast US! Glad that earthquake didn't cause much more than some rattled china and pets.

I was in NYC when that earthquake hit last week. I didn't feel it (I think I was in an elevator), but many people did.

It was felt (just a little, like a big truck driving by) all the way up here in New England apparently because there's one big rock shelf up the entire coast.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-29 15:49:52
A CHILD'S WHISPER


A child's love is like a whisper, given in little ways we do not hear
but if you listen closely, it will be very clear.
They often do not say it out loud, but in how them come to you...
Daddy, will you play with me? Mommy, tie my shoe?

The many ways they tell you changes as they grow.
Dad, I made the team today! Mom, I've Got to go!
Pop, I need some money. You see there's this girl at school...
Mama, I met a boy today and wow he is so cool!

Dad, I've got something to tell you.. I think she is the one.
Mom, He asked me to marry him. Would you love him as your son?
Dad, I've got some news for you.. It's gonna be a boy!
Mom, I'm kind of scared of this, yet I'm filled with joy!

A child's love is like a whisper, given in little ways we do not hear
but if you listen closely, it will be very clear.
They often do not say it loud, but in how they come to you...
Grandpa will you play with me? Grandma tie my shoe...

It is never ending, a blessing from above.
Listen to the whispers of a child's love.

By Sue Ellen Chandler

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-30 02:16:08
OK, ENOUGH LIPSTICK

bY Alex H G


The junior high school principal had a problem with some girls who were starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom, they would blot their lips on the mirrors, leaving lip prints. So he spoke to the teachers and asked them for their help. They promised they would speak to the girls, but after two weeks, the situation didn't improve at all. He even called a few of the girls parents who were his friends for their advice, but to no avail. The mirrors were constantly a mess.

Finally he thought of a way to stop it.

One day he gathered together all the girls who wore lipstick. He then took them into the bathroom and lectured about how hard it was to clean the lipstick off the mirrors. You could see the young girls smiling at each other, all nodding publicly but smirking to one another.

The principal then asked the custodian, who was present, to demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors. The custodian took a long handled brush, dipped it into the toilet and vigorously rubbed the lipstick off the mirror.

From that day forward, the mirrors stayed lipstick free.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-30 13:39:42
MEDICAL RECORD QUOTES

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D., for the journal of Court Reporting.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day, the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

The patient refused an autopsy.

Healthy appearing decripit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

The patient expired on the floor eventually.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-31 13:46:07
A BATTLE OF POEMS BETWEEN HUSBAND AND WIFE


WIFE:

I wrote your name on sand. It got washed.

I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.

Then I wrote your name on my heart and hot heart attack.

______________________________________________________

HUSBAND:

God saw me hungry. He created pizza.

He saw me thirsty. He created Pepsi.

He saw me in dark. He created light.

He saw me without problems. He created YOU.

______________________________________________________________

WIFE:

Twinkle twinkle little star

You should know what you are.

And once you know what you are

Mental hospital is not so far.

_________________________________________________________________

HUSBAND:

The rain makes all things beautiful.

The grass and flowers too.

If rain makes all things beautiful,

Why doesn't it rain on you?

________________________________________________________

WIFE:

Roses are red; Violets are blue

Monkeys like you should be kept in zoo.

Don't feel so angry. You will find me there too.

Not in cage but laughing at you.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-31 17:30:42
SENIOR PERSONAL ADS

Some "Senior" personal ads supposedly seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers. Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?


FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'-4"
(used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean. Yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth, seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cobb and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES: I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick and are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1922, high mileage, good condition, some hair, mny new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-08-31 21:01:06
THINKING ABOUT MOVING? (Part I) People are on the move nowadays. Here are some states and regions of these United States that you may consider.

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where...

You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.

You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

You know that "Dry Heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

_____________________________________________________________________

You can live in California where...

You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

You know how to eat an artichoke.

You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
________________________________________________________________

You can live in New York City where...

You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

You think Central Park is "nature."

You belive that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

You've worn out a car horn.

You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-01 17:13:31
THINKING ABOUT MOVING (Part II)


You can live in the Deep South where...

You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

"Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

"He needed killin'" is a valid defense.

Everyone has 2 first names: Bobby Lee, Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
____________________________________________________________________

You can live in Colorado where...

You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.

A pass does not involve a football or dating.

The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
____________________________________________________________________

You can live in Florida where...

You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

All purchases include a coupon of some kind-even houses and cars.

Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.

Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Part (III) to follow.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-02 02:09:03
THINKING ABOUT MOVING (Part III)


You can live in Maine where...

You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tbaasco.

Halloween costumes fit over parkas

You have more than one recipe for Moose.

Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
___________________________________________________________________

You can live in the Midwest where...

You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

You have had to switch from "Heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

You end sentences with a preposition, "Where is my coat at?"

When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
----------------------------------------------------------------

The End.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-03 11:22:31
No difference

By -Shel Silverstein


Small as a peanut,
Big as a giant,
We're all the same size
when we turn off the light.

Rich as a Sultan,
Poor as a mite,
We're all worth the same
When we turn off the light.

Red, black or orange,
Yellow or white,
We all look the same
When we turn off the light.

So maybe the way
To make everything right
Is for God to just reach out
And turn off the light.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-03 22:17:07
BUS 54

An elderly farmer had just left his family farm in Missouri for the very first time. He was visiting Washington, D.C. He wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, he couldn't find it, so he asked a police officer for directions.

"Sir, Sir, pointing to a piece of paper in his hand; He asked, "How do I get to this here Capitol building?" The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. "It'll take you right there." He thanks the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the farmer is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago, Why are you still waiting?"

The farmer replied, "Don't worry sir, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-04 09:17:16
SALARY INCREASE

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss to increase his salary.


Dear Bo$$

In thi$, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you sh$uld be understanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much supp$rt including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ Sincerely,

Norman $oh.


The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:

Dear NOrman,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,

Manager

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-04 18:19:43
There I sat reclined in my recliner, bare feet and shorts, eagarly anticipating the NASCAR race from Atlanta, Ga. (USA) "Well, all of a sudden my cable TV was not working!" A picture, but no cable. "Wouldn't you know it?" On station but wrong station! It was as dead as a door knob. I called Cable TV. Automatic reply, "We're sorry, we are experiencing difficulties due to major storms in the area. Your patience is appreciated." We do not know at this time when service will return." Okay.. I jumped up, went to the frig and poured myself a large ice tea. Slowly returned to my recliner, and for some unexplained reason, I began to become sentimental and a warm, carressing envelopement of Love. The night before, I was watching (a rarity for me) a romantic love story on TV. It happened... tears began coursing from my watery eyes into my white beard. "Yes, I said white beard." This movie of endearment and love really got to me... As I sat in my chair, I wondered what other people's meaning of Love is. In short, below are poems and quotations spoken from the heart. After reading these, tears again formed in my eyes. "Hey, What's going on here!?" "Is someone trying to tell me something?"



A LOVE POEM FROM A WOMAN

You're my man, my mighty king,
And I'm the jewel in your crown,
You're the sun so hot and bright,
I'm your light-rays shining down.

You're the sky so vast and blue,
And I'm the white clouds in your chest,
I'm a river clean and pure,
Who in your ocean finds her rest.

You're the mountain so huge and high,
I'm the valley green and wide,
You're the body firm and strong,
And I'm a rib bone on your side,

You're an eagle flying high,
I'm your feathers light and brown,
You're my man, my king of kings.
And I'm the vessel in your crown.

Nina Akbart


A LOVE POEM FROM A MAN


A gentle word like a spark of light,
Illuminates my soul
And as each sound goes deeper,
It's YOU that makes me whole

There is no corner, no dark place,
YOUR LOVE cannot fill
And if the world starts causing waves,
It's your devotion that makes them still

And yes you always speak to me,
In sweet honesty and truth
Your caring heart keeps out the rain,
YOU LOVE the ultimate roof

So thank you my Love for being there,
For supporting me, my life
I'll do the same for you, you know,
My Beautiful, Darling wife.

David G. Kelly

LOVE QUOTATIONS

There is only one happiness in life,
to love and be loved.

George Sand


Love is strong but delicate.
It can be broken.
To truly Love is to understand this.
To be in Love is to respect this.

Stephen Packer


Love is like a mountain,
hard to climb,
but once you get to the top
The view is beautiful

Daniel Monroe Tuttle

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-04 18:40:27
Above... paragraph 3, last line should read, "YOUR LOVE the ultimate roof."

Hey, Can't mess up these Love poems. No Sir REEE!

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-05 03:06:35
What's the title to the song, "What the world needs now is Love Sweet Love?" I pondered deeply the word, "Love" I've heard people say different things about what love is. I suppose, if you ask ten people to think deeply about Love and then have them speak deeply from within themselves,to what Love means to them, I suppose you may get ten different answers. That's fine and interesting. Love can be expressed in many different ways. True Love will always be "Positive." I'll give and take that kind of Love anyday!

Now, what I'm getting at is, I've found another Love Poem to share with you. I was sort of feeling down. My medicine was to retreat to my computer and be lifted up by reading inspirational poems. "Hey, It really worked!"

To me, I found wisdom and comfort in the following poem:


A SPECIAL WORLD

A special world for you and me
A special bond one cannot see
It wraps us up in its cocoon
And holds us fiercely in its womb.

Its fingers spread like fine spun gold
Gently nestling us to the fold
Like silken thread it holds us fast
Bonds like this are meant to last

And though at times a thread may break
A new one forms in its wake
To bind us closer and keep us strong
In a special world, where we belong.

Sheelagh Lennon

To fellow members: If you desire, what does "True Love" mean to you?"
Speak from your heart. (Please, no condescending jokes. True Love is to be treated with respect.)

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-05 15:42:50
MARRIAGE STINKY SECRETS


A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink?" I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now, how do I tell him gentl

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."

And she says, "So have I, love."

To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."

by janilye on 2011-09-05 20:29:12
Aussie Rules My favourite game. It is a form of football with roots traceable from early forms of Rugby and Gaelic football, but it is uniquely Australian. Its rules were codified in 1858, and probably predate all other modern forms of football, such as American, Canadian, Rugby Union and League, Association (Soccer) and Gaelic football.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-06 18:42:09
THE BOY WHO CRIED "WOLFE!" By Stephen Albert Wolfe

My father, Edward Junior WOLFE, loved his grandfather, Albert WOLFE. Albert was half Indian and seemed to know everything about hunting and the outdoors. However, It was not until my father was 70 years old that he learned about the kind character of his grandfather.

Father and mother were traveling a few years ago and attended church in Clovis, New Mexico, where they introduce themselves to the friendly people of that church. One of the members asked: "Are you related to the WOLFES' from Iowa?" Dad answered that he had been born and raised in Iowa, "Do you happen to know Albert WOLFE?" she continued. Dad continued that his grandfather's name was Albert. Then she asked, "Was he part Indian?" Dad said that he was. "You must come home and have dinner with us," she insisted, and so my parents spent a lovely afternoon with her. After a wonderful dinner, she began her story.

I am a CLINE, My grandfather John CLINE, had a boyhood friend, Albert WOLFE. John and Albert roamed the Iowa countryside hunting and were nearly inseparable. When they were young men there was an outbreak of cholera and John CLINE was afflicted. Fear of the epidemic was so strong that doctors and even family members would not care for John. John was left to live or die while his family fled to other parts. He became so sick he was unable to feed or take care of himself and felt he would surely die. Then his boyhood friend Albert arrived. Albert burned all of John's clothing and bed clothes and gave John his own clothing and bedding. Albert stayed with John several weeks and nursed him while he slowly recovered his full health. John never forgot Albert's kindness. John had 12 children and many grandchildren. He never tired of telling how the Indian, Albert WOLFE, saved his life. All of the CLINE family knows this story and we have told it to our children and grandchildren for generations.

"I never knew," dad said, "No one in the WOLFE family knows this story. Albert never told anyone."

A most cherished story about our ancestor came to our family, from a family traditional story of strangers.

by Scott_J on 2011-09-06 23:34:46
@janilye Australian Rules Football looks brutal, and very much like rugby (to this untrained eye anyway)

@1bobbylee, I read that WOLFE story 4 times looking for the punchline... :-)

by tonkin on 2011-09-06 23:57:45
It's not Football ... without a dog's eye and dead horse, and a box of Harrys to keep you company.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-07 00:37:51
I'm a Carolina boy Tonkin. What is dog's eye, dead horse, and a box of Harrys to keep you company? I have never heard these terms. Bob. Now I have heard the term dead horse as it was used toward me when I was in High School. I kept asking this girl for a date. Over and over. Finally she really got exasperated and shot me out of the saddle. She looked me in the face and said, "You are beating a dead horse!!"

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-07 01:07:46
Scott, I suppose the drama was missing for a punchline. God can lead people into our lives when we least expect it. After 70 years, in a church in Clovis, New Mexico. He heard for the first time how his dear Granfather, Albert Wolfe was in jeopardy of losing his own life when he attended to his very sick friend after his own family, his doctor left him to be alone and die. He almost sacrificied his own life. I suppose we can interject a punchline: "What better love is this that a man "is willing" to lay down his life for a friend."

Hey, John Cline lived and had 12 children and many many grandchildren. A large quiver indeed. Possibly God had great things for John's children and grandchildren to accomplish on this earth. Was it just a chance that Mr. Wolfe and his wife chose to attend this particular church. Ummmmm, I wonder.

by tonkin on 2011-09-07 01:24:18
Sorry bobbylee - just a bit of Aussie slang mate.

A dog's eye is a meat pie, and dead horse is tomato sauce.

And a Harry is what we call a big bottle of beer.

There are twelve Harrys to a box, and not a baker's dozen.

Cheers.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-07 01:37:57
ARF!! I loved playing American football in school. Even (I think) our sadistic coach stood us up and told us not to move while another player came at us, and many times left his feet to throw a bone crunching tackle. Small kids, big kids, he lined us all up. I've been hit so hard! and then have a 190-210 lineman knock me backwards and then use his body momentum to roll over my body and face. When I managed to get up my helmet was crooked. Almost to the point where I could talk out of my helme ear hole! I can't remember any player getting severely injured. Why, I cannot imagine! When our Friday night football games rolled around, we were ready to let the other team feel the way we felt in practice. We played angry!


Now, Australian rules football and Rugby. No way. We use to have a channel in the US that broadcast ARF games. I loved to watch it. Those guys were made out of concrete. No helmets! Running around in high knee stockings. No padding! I have seen them crash violently into each other. I would say, UH OH. That guy will not get up. And then bingo, Up he pops. How did he do that? If they hit me like that, even when I was younger and playing American football, "They would have to scrape me off the field with a shovel!"

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-07 01:46:53
Oh, Nothing to apologize for mate. We have many southern slang words. I have a paper on Southern slang words. Will try to find it. I could talk to you in two full senctenes with southern slang words and you probably would not have a clue as to what I said.. You will probably understand Tonkin if I interject it at end of sentence. If I use a southern slang word and you don't understand the meaning, Let me know. I enjoy Australian slang words. I have gone into the computer to read and study them. Then sometimes, I will use them on my southern accented friends...
They may look at me blankly and say, UHHH??

by tonkin on 2011-09-07 02:24:56
My word said the bird.

If you ever lob down under for a captain cook at the footy you know not to beat about the bush asking for a pie and sauce because you may end up with a dead barker in custard.

I'm on the frog and toad and when I boomerang will have a gander at the southern slang. Don't want you flogging a dead horse.

I'm off - I hear Harry calling.

by janilye on 2011-09-07 02:32:37
Similar attributes with subtle skillset, Rugby League is more aggressive, Rugby Union is more structured, Aussie Rules is skillful with speed, endurance & agility.

Both use a oval ball similar in size but the Aussie rules ball is thinner, closer to an American Football. Tackling is allowed in both codes but there are probably more restrictions on the Aussie rules players. Rugby is about holding the ball and running. Aussie rules is about not holding the ball, even when you run with it you must bounce it or have it taken from you and handed to the other side.

RUGBY - rectangular field, 15 players, 2x40 minutes halves, must stay onside, 2 vertical goal posts and a crossbar which ball must pass through and over to score.

Aussie Rules - oval field, 18 players, 4x25 minute quarters, no offside, 4 vertical goal posts, no crossbars, ball passes through outer post for a point and between inner posts for a goal which is worth 6 points.

In a nutshell the difference for me personally is my brother played Rugby and ended up with cauliflower ears and no teeth and my son played Aussie Rules and after several shoulder operations now needs both knees replaced.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-07 03:11:17
See,your brother and son suffered then and now suffering from the after effects. But, You know what Jan? "I bet they really loved it!!"

Jan, I really enjoy contact sports. I enjoyed watching ARF on American television. you just gave me a lesson in Australian Rugby and ARF. Even when watching the Australian games there were rules that I did not understand. You've helped me! Do they have any padding under their uniforms?
.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-07 03:54:58
Ain't slang words a hoot Tonkin?


I have a mule grin from ear to ear. I won't lark you, I swear by my overall straps. We are egging each other on. When playing pigskin, Are coach demanded we be lickety split. I carried a lazy man's load to practice. I would fall down under the load and have to be nussed. I sure fire hated toting that pigskin bag. It made me awful ornery.

I am now gonna skedaddle over to the ice box and cut me a slice of possum pie, and grab a couple of Colt 45's. At least I didn't have to shuck the possum.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-07 11:49:27
INFLUENCE
By Joseph Norris

Drop a pebble in the water,
And its ripples reach out far;
And the sunbeams dancing on them
May reflect them to a star.

Give a smile to someone passing,
Thereby making his morning glad;
It may meet you in the evening
When your own heart may be sad.

Do a deed of simple kindness;
Though its end you may not see,
It may reach, like widening ripples,
Down a long eternity.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-07 18:43:54
A police officer pulls over a car with an aged gray haired Granma behind the wheel. Only recently she had got her driver's license.

POLICE OFFICER; "Mame, this is a 65 MPH highway. Why are you going so slowly?

GRANMA: "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."

POLICE OFFICER: "Oh mame, that's not the speed limit. That's the number of the highway you're on!"

GRANMA: "Oh! Thank you for letting me know! I'll be more careful from now on."

At this point the Police Officer looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.

POLICE OFFICER: "Excuse me Mame, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."

GRANMA: "Oh! We just got off highway 119."

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-08 22:01:14
A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will.

"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in tough times, as well as good. I leave her the house and $2 million." The lawyer continued. "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million. The lawyer concluded, "And to my cousin Dan, who hated me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - Well, you are wrong. Hi Dan."

****************************


An old man was laying on his death bed. He had only hours to live when he suddenly smelled chocolate chip cookies. He loved chocolate chip cookies. He loved chocolate chip cookies better than anything in the world. With his last bit of energy he pulled himself out of bed, across the floor to the stairs. Down the stairs and into the kitchen. There his wife was baking chocolate chip cookies! As he reached for one, SMACK across the back of the hand his wife hit him with a spoon. "Leave them alone. "They are for the funeral!"

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-09 23:27:24
THREE PARACHUTES

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunely there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said, "I am a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-11 07:13:47
PLANT YOURSELF A TROUBLE TREE

I hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse,
and after he had just finished a rough day on the job,
a flat tire made him lose an hour of work,
his drill quit and his ancient one ton truck refushed to start

While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence.
On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family.
As we walked toward the front door,
he paused briefly at a small tree,
touching the tips of the branches with both hands.

When opening the door, he underwent an amazing transformation.
His tanned face was wreathed in smiles.
He hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.

Afterward he walked me to the car,
We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me.
I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.

"Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job,
but one thing's for sure...
Those troubles don't belong in the house
with my wife and children.

"Every night when I come home,
I just hang them up on the tree and
Ask God to take care of them.
Then in the morning, I pick them up again."

"Funny thing is, he smiled,
When I come out in the morning to pick em up,
there aren't nearly as many
as I remember hanging up the night before."

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-11 20:26:31
One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little fellow called out loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-12 06:44:20
KIDS LETTERS TO GOD

Dear Mr. God,

I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot today. - Janet

Dear God,

Is it true my dad won't get into heaven if he uses his golf words in the house? - Anita

Dear God,

I am doing the best I can. Really!! - Frank

Dear God,

If you watch in church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes. -Elaine

Dear God,

My granpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? - Dennis

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-13 13:55:47
MORE KIDS LETTERS TO GOD

Dear God: Do you throw the lightening down at us? It scares me a lot when it goes BOOM. Please stop it.

Dear God: I have a spelling test on Tuesday. I never get all the words right. Maybe you could help me this time. Or is that cheating?

Dear God: Do you know when I'm bad or good? Or is that just Santa Claus?

Dear God: I play worse than anyone on my soccer team. I'm the smallest one, too. That doesn't seem very fair. Did you play a dirty trick on me?

Dear God: Please make me pretty. Because I think I'm not very smart.

Dear God: Would you make me a little brother? I want to have someone to boss around like my brother does me.

Dear God: My mommy is sad a lot since daddy went away. We can't find him. Can you?

Dear God: "I love" you "God."

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-14 19:44:08
WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND


One day a man saw an old lady, stranded on the side of the road, but even in the dim light of day, he could see she needed help. So he pulled up in front of her Mercedes and got out. His Pontiac was still sputtering when he approached her.

Even with the smile on his face, she was worried. No one had stopped to help for the last hour or so. Was he going to hurt her? He didn't look safe; he looked poor and hungry. He could see that she was frightened, standing out there in the cold. He knew how she felt. It was those chills which only fear can put in you. He said, "I'm here to help you ma'am. Why don't you wait in the car where it's warm? By the way, my name is Bryan Anderson.

Well, all she had was a flat tire, but for an old lady, that was bad enough. Bryan crawled under the car looking for a place to put the jack, skinning his knucklea a time or two. Soon he was able to change the tire. But he had to get dirty and his hands hurt. As he was tightening up the lug nuts, she rolled down the window and began to talk to him. She told him that she was from St. Louis and was only just passing through. She couldn't thank him enough for coming to her aid.

Bryan just smiled as he closed her trunk. The lady asked how much she owed him. Any amount would have been all right with her. She already imagined all the awful things that could have happened had he not stopped. Bryan never thought twice about being paid. This was not a job to him. This was helping someone in need, and God knows there were plenty, who had given him a hand in the past. He had lived his whole life that way, and it never occured to him to act any other way. He told her if she really wanted to pay him back, the next time she saw someone who needed help, she could give that person the assistance they needed, and Bryan added, "And think of me." He waited until she had started her car and drove off. It had been a cold and depressing day, but he felt good as he headed for home, disappearing into the twilight.

A few miles down the road the lady saw a small cafe. She went in to grab a bite to eat, and take the chill off before she made the last leg of her trip home. It was a dingy looking restaurant. Outside were two old gas pumps. The whole scene was unfamiliar to her. The waitress came over and brought a clean towel to wipe her wet hair. She had a sweet smile, one that even being on her feet for the whole day couldn't erase. The lady noticed the waitress was nearly eight months pregnant, but she never let the strain and aches change her attitude. The old lady wondered how someone who had so little could be so giving to a stranger. Then she remembered Bryan.

After the lady finished her meal, she paid with a hundred dollar bill. The waitress quickly went to get change for her hundred dollar bill, but the old lady had slipped right out the door. She was gone by the time the waitress came back. The waitress wondered where the lady could be. Then she noticed something written on the napkin.

There were tears in her eyes when she read what the lady wrote: "You don't owe me anything, I have been there too. Somebody once helped me out, the way I'm helping you. If you really want to pay me back, here is what you do: Do not let this chain of love end with you. Under the napkin were four more $100 bills.

Well, there were tables to clear, sugar bowls to fill, and people to serve, but the waitress made it through another day. That night when she got home from work and climbed into bed, she was thinking about the money and what the lady had written. How could the lady have known how much she and her husband needed it? With the baby due next month, it was going to be hard... She knew how worried her husband was, and as he lay sleeping next to her, she gave him a soft kiss and whispered soft and low, "Everything's going to be all right my sweet darling husband. "I love you," Bryan Anderson."

There is an old saying "What goes around comes around."

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-15 04:44:50
Being born and reared in the South, I am pleased to come across this story. This proves that not all white men in the South were consumed with hatred and prejudice. That time in the 1960's, it took courage for any race to take a stand against hatred.


PICKUP IN THE RAIN


One night, at 11:30 PM, an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rain storm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her - generally unheard of in those conflict filled 1960's. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxi cab. She seemed to be in a big hurry! She wrote down his address, thanked him and was drove away.

Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached. It read: "Thank you so much for assiating me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes but my spirit. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others."


Another example of "What goes around comes around" Lesson: If you help someone. Someone will help you.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-15 20:51:30
WHY MEN ARE HAPPIER

Men can play with toys all their life.

Men can wear shorts no matter what their legs look like.

Men have one wallet and one pair of shoes which are good for every season.

Men can choose whether or not to grow a mustache.

Men can "do" their fingernails with a pocket knife.

Men's bellies usually hide their large hips.

Chocolate is just another snack.

The whole garage belongs to them.

Weddings take care of themselves.

Men's last name never changes.

Everything on a man's face stays its original color.

Men only have to shave their faces and necks.

Men can keep the same hairstyle for years, even decades.

Men can do their Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on Christmas Eve in 25 minutes.

For men, wrinkles add character.

Men can go on a week's vacation and pack only one suitcase.

Men's new shoes don't cause blisters, or cut or mangle their feet.

Men don't have to stop and think which way to turn a screw.

A wedding dress cost $5000. A tuxedo rental - 100 bucks.

Men can open all their own jars.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-16 14:00:32
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people to remember the same thing.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

ATTITUDE
By: Rev. Charles Swindoll


The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, then circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think, say, or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company, a church, a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.

We cannot change our past. We cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you. We are in charge of our attitudes.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-16 20:17:22
ATTITUDE -

THE OPTIMIST

There is a story of identical twins. One was a hope-filled optimist.

"Everything is coming up roses!" The other was a sad and hopeless pessimist.

He thought that Murphy, as in Murphy's law, was an optimist. The worried parents of the boys brought them to the local psychologist.

He suggested to the parents a plan to balance the twins' personalities.

"On their next birthday, put them in separate rooms to open their gifts. Give the pessimist the best toys you can afford, and give the optimist a box of hard manure".

The parents followed these instructions and carefully observed the results.

When they peeked in on the pessimist, they heard him audibly complaining.

"I don't like the color of this computer...I'll bet this calculator will break...I don't like this game...I know someone who's got a bigger toy car than this..."

Tiptoeing across the corridor, the parents peeked in and saw their little optimist gleefully throwing the hard manure up in the air. He was giggling.

"You can't fool me! Where's there this much manure, there's gotta be a pony!"

Author unknown.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-17 14:25:04
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY?


Richard forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was furious.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning he got up early. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.


Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Richard has been missing since Friday.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-17 20:08:57
It did not surprise me at all when this loving and caring brother reached out to one who felt alone and needed someone; to kindly hold his hand, and speak to him while his life slowly faded away. He was a civilian. That did not matter to this Marine. He did not want this man to die alone.

THE MARINE'S FATHER


A nurse took the tired, anxious serviceman to the bedside.

"Your son is here," she said to the old man. She had to repeat the words several times before the patient's eyes opened.

Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack, he dimly saw the young uniformed Marine standing outside the oxygen tent. He reached out his hand. The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old man's limp ones, squeezing a message of love and encouragment.

The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside the bed. All through the night the young Marine sat there in the poorly lighted ward, holding the old man's hand and offering him words of love and strength. Occasionally, the nurse suggested that the Marine move away and rest awhile.

He refused. Whenever the nurse came into the ward, the Marine was oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital - the clanking of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff members exchanging greetings, the cries and moans of the other patients.

Now and then she heard him say a few gentle words. The dying man said nothing, only held tightly to his son all through the night.

Along towards dawn, the old man died. The Marine released the now lifeless hand he had been holding and went to tell the nurse. While she did what she had to do, he waited.

Finally, she returned. She started to offer words of sympathy, but the Marine interrupted her.

"Who was that man?" he asked.

The nurse was startled. "He was your father," she answered.

"No, he wasn't," the Marine replied. "I never saw him before in my life."

"Then why didn't you say something when I took you to him?"

"I knew right away there had been a mistake, but I also knew he needed his son, and his son just wasn't here. When I realized that he was too sick to tell whether or not I was his son, knowing how much he needed me, "I stayed."


"GOD BLESS OUR MILITARY"

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-18 19:28:29
FEAR OF FAILURE QUOTES


Here's a subject we can all relate to: "Fear of Failure"
Maybe not everyone reading this has this fear. Bjut we're not all super humans.

For those of us who need little pick-me-up's to help in thia area, here are some quotes on the fear of failure.

1. They fail, and they alone, who have not striven. - Thomas Bailey Aldrich

2. He that is down needs fear no fall. - John Bunyan

3. I was never afraid of failure, for I would sooner fail than not be among the best. - John Keats

4. It is foolish to fear what you cannot avoid. - Publius Syrus

5. Go back a little to leap further. - John Clarke

6. It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. - Theodore Roosevelt

7. Our doubts are our traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt. - William Shakespeare

8. We learn wisdom from failure much more than success. We often discover what we will do, by finding out what we will not do. - Samuel Smiles

9. There is no failure except in no longer trying. - Elbert Hubbard

10. Do one thing every day that scares you. - Eleanor Roosevelt

11. If your life is free from failure, you're not taking enough risks. - Anonymous

12. Many great ideas have been lost because people who had them could not stand being laughed at. - Anonymous

13. You'll always miss 100% of the shots you don't take.- Wayne Gretzky

14. We fail more often by timidity than by over-daring. - David Grayson

15. To win you have to risk loss. - Jean Claude Killy

16. To eat an egg, you must break the shell. - Jamaican Proverb

17. There are those who are so scrupulously afraid of doing wrong that they seldom venture to do anything. - Vauvenargues

18. The knowledge of the world is only to be acquired in the world, and not a closet. - Lord Philip Chesterfield

19. The more chance there is of stubbing your toe, the more chance you have of stepping into success. - Anonymous

20. There is no impossibility to him who stands prepared to conquer every hazard. The fearful are the failing. - Sarah J Hale

by janilye on 2011-09-19 12:22:55
I had a great time in Castlemaine but have to go back again in a couple of days. I went to the Spring Ball (yes! we still have balls in Australia). I put on my flapper dress and danced all night. I had a great time and there sure wasn't any prohibition, now destroying all the incriminating photos. Isn't it annoying when you let down your guard and there's someone there with a camera. What's worse is the big smile they have on their face when they *click.
It's great to see lots of new members in here. Plenty of puzzles.
Bring back the jokes Butch (I hate that bleeding heart stuff)

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-19 13:24:21
Looks like Castlemaine is a fun place. Sounds like at the Spring Ball, you were doing a lot of bouncing and springing around yourself. I would love to see one of your nonprohibited photos. How about writing a journal on give us a look at some of those photos. That is, If you have any left. HEE HEE.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-19 15:28:25
Janilye. I have brought back a joke. It may make you hold your heart,but it is not the bleeding heart stuff. I hope you find it tasteful.

WHAT'S WRONG HONEY?


I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's going to eat your fingers."

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-19 19:30:18
THE PANDA

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a
sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and
shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go,
the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You
just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your
sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a
PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the
following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial
of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white
coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-20 17:05:12
"Are Christmas' of Christ's Lineage"

I would like to share some thoughts and/or opinions on the subject and heading "Are Christmas' of Christ's Lineage?" I engage in this response with tripidation, feeling insecure other than the security of God's Word. I feel secure in God's word because I received by faith, that the Word is forever true. I respect and will not judge anyone for a different belief than mine. It pays to pay attention. Possibly one will discover a truth. I receive the Bible as the inerrant word of God.

From what I've discovered through research: The word Christmas occurs nowhere in the Bible. It is an old English word that means "Christ's Mass" which refers to the celebration of the Lord's Supper, i.e. the Mass. The earliest occurance of the word on record is 1038 A.D. Christmas as this time considered the Mass (Lord's Supper) to be the most important part of the celebration of Christ's birth, hence it came to be called Christmas.

Lineage: The descendant's of one individual. - If one chooses to do an exhaustive genealogical research, they may possibly find where they are the descendant's of Joseph and Mary. Matthew: 1: 18-25. - The Bible says that Jesus was conceived by the Holy Spirit. "The baby will be utterly Holy - the Son of God." Luke 1: 26-38. If you have the time try to research God's lineage past Adam and Eve. We are all descended from Adam and Eve. (That may surprise some people) We come into God's family when we ask. He receives us through adoption. Jesus is then our elder brother. This is what I've chosen to believe and accept. There is a wide and deep diversity of opinion on this. That's good; I'm sure. It is better to seek than to not seek at all.

The Bible's answer to Jesus' birth.

Luke 1: 26-38
Luke 2: 1-20
Matthew 1: 18-25
Matthew 2: 1-12

Jesus had to be born from above. He is, was, and has the attributes of God. He is Holy, Divine, and without blemish.

Hebrews 1: 3

The prophecy of Jesus' birth was written in Isaiah 7: 14. Approximately 12-13 centuries before the birth of Christ.

This is my belief: Jesus had 4 half brothers and numerous half sisters that were birthed from Joseph and Mary. Jesus was conceived by God.

Mary was chosen by God (as a virgin) to birth his Divine son. But, she needed Jesus as her Savior. Read Luke 1: 39-55. Read the praise that Mary gives to her God. Mary's wonderful response: Luke 1: 46-55. Note the importance of verse *47. Mary not only receives Christ as her son born from above, but acknowledges Him as her Savior.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-21 01:07:03
UH OH! DOGHOUSE HERE I COME!

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.' The husband replied, 'Yes, dear but I was in love and didn't notice.

by tonkin on 2011-09-21 01:29:56
Question for ya bobbylee.

How many children did Adam and Eve have?

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-21 02:47:06
This is not an easy question. You tell me. How many?

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-21 16:20:47
THE ULTIMATE REJECTION LETTER

Herbert Millington, Chair
University, College Hill, MA

Dear Professor Millington

Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful
consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to
accept your refusal to offer me an assistant professor
position in your department. This year, I have been particularly
fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection
letters. With such a varied and promising field of candicates, It is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite Whitson's
outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting
applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs
at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you
then. Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,



Chris L. Jensen

* I bet he got the job. With such an unusual bold letter, how could he miss.

by janilye on 2011-09-21 17:02:40
G'Day Butch. No He didn't.
This letter has been circulating on the net since 1996 To verify anthing like this I always check with SNOPES the definitive Internet reference source for urban legends, folklore, myths, rumors, and misinformation.
It's a beautiful morning in sunny Melbourne. A bit windy down at the pier though. I have to go into the city to work but would love to sit in the sun and read instead.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-21 19:27:59
G'Day Jan. I didn't know there was a SNOPES. I do now. Thanks. Glad you had a beautiful sunny morning in Melbourne. Awoke this morning and heard the rain pitter patting against the window. It has been terribly hot and dry here in Caroina. It was a cool refreshing rain. I would have loved for you to have been able to sit in sun and read. But, Sorry. Work would not allow you. Maybe later.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-21 19:42:38
MOTHER TERESA QUOTES

We forget that forgiveness is greater than revenge. People make mistakes.
We are allowed to make mistakes. But the actions we take while in a rage will haunt us forever. Pause and ponder. Think before you act. Be patient. Forgive and forget. Love one and all. If you judge people, you have no time to love them.

Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.

Let us always meet each other with a smile, for the smile is the beginning of love.

Let us touch the dying, the poor, the lonely and the unwanted according to the graces we have received and let us not be ashamed or slow to do the humble work.

It is easy to love the people far away. It is not always easy to love those close to us. It is easier to give a cup of rice to relieve hunger than to relieve the lonliness and pain of someone unloved in our own home. Bring love into your home for this is where our love for each other must start.

The most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved.

We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop.

It is a kingly act to assist the fallen.

Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.

by tonkin on 2011-09-21 21:09:35
Hi ya bobbylee.

I'm also enjoying our spring sunshine, and thinking about necking a harry very shortly.

Anyway, I have no idea how many children Adam and Eve had. When I went to school I was told they had two sons named Cain and Able. As time went on I found out Cain and Able had another brother named Seth, which no one told me about.

I could never work out how Adam and Eve, and three sons, could populate the world with so many people. Then I found out Adam and Eve had a lot more children over the next 'few hundred years' and this explained to me how there were so many people in the world.

And then I learned about Noah and the great flood and how everyone got washed away. The funny thing about it is ... I never bothered to ask how many children Noah and his wife had, because I knew from my Adam and Eve experience they must have had lots more to populate the world after the flood.

Funny how the mind works when your young.

Cheers.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-22 15:45:54
I am from the South. I grew up hearing these expressions. If you have trouble understanding them, BLESS YOUR HEART, read them a second time.


SOUTHERN FOLKS

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food


Ony a Southerner knows the difference between a "hissie fit" and that you don't "HAVE" them, you PITCH them.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess."

Only a Southerner can show or point our to you the general direction of "Yonder."

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in:
"Going to town, be back directly."
(Dreckly in some southern families)

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white granular, sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad.
If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right fer piece." They also know that "Just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

Only a Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in line,...and when we're "in line" we talk to everybody!

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

In the South "y'all" is singular, "all ya'll is plural.

Southerners know "grits" come from corn, know how to eat them, and smack their lips as they're pouring "red eye gravy on top with a gob of country churned butter.

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, biscuits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, "Well I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it--we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

And, a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who dirve 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart"... and go on your way.

To those of you who are still a little embarassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning, bless your heart!!

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff....bless you hearts, I hear they're fixin' to have classes on Southerness as a second language!

Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah!

NOW SHUGAH, SEND THIS TO SOMEONE WHO WAS RAISED IN THE SOUTH OR WISH THEY HAD BEEN!! IF YOU'RE A NORTHERN TRANSPLANT, BLESS YOUR LITTLE HEART, FAKE IT. WE KNOW YOU GOT HERE AS FAST AS YOU COULD.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-22 22:07:27
THE 100 MPH GOAT


Two North Carolina good ole boys' are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the
bottom, I wonder how deep it is?"

The second hunter says, "I don't know, let's throw something down and
listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see."

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole
and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "You fellas didn't happen to see my goat
around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a
hundred miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible."

"I had him chained to a transmission."

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-23 08:44:21
TRIP TO OLLIE'S

yesterday I was at my local Ollie's buying a large bag of Purnina
dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, and was in the checkout line when a
woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her no, I didn't have a dog. I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming
out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with
my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff and cuddle with
an Irish Setter and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Ollie's won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think
up crazy things to say.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-23 16:09:12
SENTENCES TO PONDER


* A friend sent me these. He is neither Democrat or Republican. (He votes for the person and not the party.) He just asked me to read and ponder the following sentences before I went into voting booth. I have and will read again.

+ You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy
out of prosperity.

+ What one person receives without working for, another person must work
for without receiving.

+ The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does
not first take from somebody else.

+ When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them; and when the other
half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is
going to get what they worked for, "That my friend, Bob, is the beginning of the end of any nation.

+ You cannot multiply wealthy by dividing it.

by janilye on 2011-09-23 18:44:53
Since this page has become so big and now takes too long to load. I will begin a new page tomorrow which in Australia is Sunday 25 September 2011. However if you are in America it will be Saturday. In which case I will include the winning lottery numbers as an added bonus for our loyal members!

by tonkin on 2011-09-23 19:08:17
That's a great idea. I have to bring two harry's with me every time I come down here to read bobbylee's daily comments. One harry to come down with, and one for the trip back up.

PS. Could you please include my lottery numbers tomorrow.

Cheers.

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-23 20:37:32
Hello Tonkin, I pray that you arrived safely upstairs after drinking your Harry after reading my comments. It flatters me to know that you sacrificed two Harry's. HAHA..

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-24 13:59:29
Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant. "I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere - It's so sanitary that the whole place shines." "Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

"But hey, Listen!! They serve Harry beers. And if you hang around long enough, Tonkin may, And I do say may,! share his with you."

by tonkin on 2011-09-24 19:54:31
I just come down to get the lottery numbers but there not here yet.

As for the roaches ... no need to share my last harry with them because I passed them coming down going up.

I'm just waiting for the next rocket to lift off!

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-24 20:55:36
Will your rocket take off when you win the lottery? How much is the lottery there in Australia? How many different lotteries do you have?

by 1bobbylee on 2011-09-26 12:02:09
To those of you who have not read comments on Off Topic (1) or who would like to locate again or to possibly send to families or friends, You can go into Janily's journals, Click Janilye's profile, click research, click on Off Topic (1). There you have it. I have received appreciations for my comments. If I can make someone laugh, smile, or ponder, that makes it worthwile. Regards, 1Bobbylee. or if you like, just call me "Bob"

by janilye on 2011-09-27 06:01:31

To Janilye. Thank you.

SPEEDING YOUNG LADY

A beautiful young lady was driving along the highway when a police officer pulled her over for speeding.

Officer: May I see your licence?

Lady: What does it look like?

Officer: It's a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.

The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.

The officer looks in it, up and says, "If you had told me you were a police officer, I wouldn't have pulled you over.

UH OH! That joke may have went over like a lead balloon.

I'll try to redeem myself.

CONFUCIUS SAY...

"Think before you speak, or woman hit you in the head with remote."

Naw, I don't think that worked either.. Next time!!

RUBY'S CONFESSION (Bless her heart.)

Roby Alice walked into a Bowling Green motel and signed the register with the letter "O". "Why did yo9u put the circle down?" asked the clerk. "Cause ah can't write" replied the girl. "Why don't you sign with an "X"? asked the man. "Ah used to," she answered. "But when I got me a davorce, ah took back my maiden name."

I can certainly see why Jan wanted to move the activity elsewhere since she gets an email for every response.

You guys seem to have taken matters into your own hands here, which is fine, but I could change ownership of that Off Topic journal from Jan to Bob. Just for future reference, I guess.

something else I'ld like to add in the future is the ability for the owner of a journal to lock comments.

FWIW. Now, back to your regularly scheduled madness... :-)

Thanks Scott, but if you don't mind and if it's ok, can we just leave it the way it is? Laugh, Smile, Cry or Ponder is being recognized. I do it for fun. Hopefully our other members are enjoying it. I've noticed Janilye (Last time I checked) has removed Off Topic (1) and (2). So hopefully she will not get any more E-mails for her journals. The ability to lock comments sounds like a great idea. Now, what does FWIW mean? And, I can borrow an 18 wheeler. Would you like to ride with me in looking for Spammers walking along the roads, HEEHEE

THE DARNEST THINGS KIDS SAY ABOUT PERSONALITIES IN THE BIBLE

JOSHUA (Moses successor)

Moses' best helper was Joshua. He was the first person to use spies. He fought the Battle of Geritol. That's when the fence fell down on the town.

SOLOMON

One of David's sons was called Solomon. He had like 300 wives and 500 porcupines. They told us in Sunday School that he was a really wise man, but that doesn't sound to wise to me!


More kid sayings to follow.

R.I.P.

When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the area and became lost. I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got into the service. I preached and preached and preached. From Genesis to Revelation.

When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the worker's say, "I never in my life ever saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years!"

KISSING FACTS

Here's a bunch of weird facts - 'Kissing Facts' - from Philematology (The science of kissing):

- 66% of the people in the world tilt their heads to the right when they kiss. Nobody really knows why. Many scientists have speculated that this is something that began in the womb.

- Approx. 66% of people kissing have their eyes closed as they kiss.

- The tradition of kissing is supposed to descend from the ancient Roman tradition of kissing to seal a contract.

- Everytime you kiss, you exchange DNA, fats, mineral salts and proteins - plus between 1 and 10 billion bacteria - with the recipient of your kiss.

- A woman in China suffered partial hearing loss after her boyfriend reportedly ruptured her ear drum by kissing overly passionately on the mouth. Evidently the kiss caused the pressure in her mouth to be reduced, which in turn pulled out the eardrum and caused the rupture in the ear.

- If you engage in a quick romantic kiss you will burn approximately 2-3 calories. If you want to really burn those calories, you need to French kiss. Yep a French kiss will eradicate more than five calories! :-) If you make your kiss last, though, you will burn more: approximately 26 calories per minute. Which is great to know, because the average person will actually spend two full weeks of their life kissing.

__________________________________________________________________________


HERE ARE SOME MORE INTERESTING FACTS

- If you yelled for eight years, seven months, and six days, you will have generated sufficient sound energy to heat up a single cup of coffee.

- The note used for the average American car horn is F.

- Many people would be surprised to learn that the electric chair was actually invented by a dentist.

- The world record for the most money ever paid for a cow at an auction is 1.3 million dollars.

- It was actually considered the mark of a leader in ancient Rome when one was born with a crooked nose.

- Dr. Seuss is actually the man responsible for coining the word "nerd." It was first used in his book, "If I ran the Zoo."

- You have a better chance of dying while going to get your lottery ticket than you do actually winning the lottery.

- In 16th Century France, newly married couples had to stand outdoors stark naked while the groom planted a kiss on the bride's left foot and toe as a part of the customs of the day.

NIETZCHE - (Biography - plato.stanford.edu/entries/nietzche/

A poster read: "God is dead" - Nietzche

The graffiti underneath read: "Nietzche is dead" - God

NIETZCHE - (Biography - plato.stanford.edu/entries/nietzche/

A poster read: "God is dead" - Nietzche

The graffiti underneath read: "Nietzche is dead" - God

Sorry. By mistake, I hit submit response twice.

OTHER INTERESTING FACTS

- A quarter of the bones in your body are actually in your feet, seeing as each foot has 26 of the 206 bones in the entire human body.

- Your nose can actually recall over 50,000 different scents and smells.

- Relatively speaking the strongest muscle in the human body is...the tongue.

- Pound for pound, every unborn child is stronger than an ox.

- Babies are always born with blue eyes.

- A cough leaves your body at 60 miles per hour.

- Your memory is affected by the position of your body.

- You can't tickle yourself. Or rather, you can tickle yourself, but it doesn't work. TRY IT. This is actually why some doctors place a ticklish patient's hand over theirs when they examine the patient - it prevents the tickling sensation.

- Your body has enough fat to make approximately seven bars of soap.

A KID'S VIEW ON MARRIAGE

"KIDS CAN SAY THE DARNEST' THINGS

- HOW DOES A PERSON DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?

- Ans: "you flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." - Kelly, nine years old

- "My mother says to look for a man who is kind...That's what I'll do...I'll find somebody who is kinda tall and handsome." - Carolyn, Eight years old.

- CONCERNING THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED

- "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." - Bert, five years old.

- WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

- Ans: "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." - Martin, ten years old.

- Ans: "Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." - Craig, nine years old.

- WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

- "Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarassing thing if anybody sees you...If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." - Kally, nine years old.

- THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

- Ans: "You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan." - Kristen, ten years old.

MOMMY, I DON'T WANT TO GO TO CHURCH

A mother went to wake her son for church one Sunday morning. When she knocked on the door, he said, "I'M NOT GOING!" Why not asked his mother. "I'll give you two good reasons," he said, "ONE, THEY DON'T LIKE ME! "TWO, I DON'T LIKE THEM!"

I'll give you two good reasons why YOU WILL go to church. "ONE, YOU'RE 47 YEARS OLD. "TWO, YOU'RE THE PASTOR!"

"THAT'S THE UGLIEST BABY I'VE EVER SEEN"

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers,"

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said, "Here, let me hold your monkey."

_ _ _ _ _ _ _


"THE THOUGHTFUL HUSBAND"

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is?"

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office.

At 10 AM the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.

At 1 PM, a foiled wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

"First, the flowers then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in all my life!"

"CHILD'S DEFINITION OF LOVE"

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think.

- "When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love - Rebecca - age 8

- "Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." Mark Age 6

- "Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - Age 6

- "Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - Age 4

- "Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - Age 7

- "Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss." Emily - Age 8

- Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen," Bobby - Age 7 (Wow!)

- "If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate," Nikka - Age 6

- "There are two kinds of love. Our love. God's love. But God makes both kinds of them." Jenny - Age 8

- "Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." Noelle - Age 7

- "Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - Age 6

- "My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." - Clare - Age 6

- "Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." - Elaine
Age 5

- "Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - Age 7

- "When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." Karen - Age 7

- "You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." - Jessica - Age 8

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly genleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

"PHONE HOME"

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid," answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband, Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with her husband.

The guy is fuming. He screams to the maid, "No he is not!!" I am her husband! "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?"

I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk who she is with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears foosteps, followed by two gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

What?! There's no pool here!"

Long pause..."Uh...is this 221-1811?"

charlesoshield wonderful and inspiring story about his grandparent's Mr. and Mrs. Riddle, reminds me to share stories about my dear Mother and Father.

My mother loved to cut her own grass with a cord pulling power mower. When I visited mom, and she was cutting grass, I had a hard time trying to free her from the mower. I wanted to do it for her. "Now Bob, Leave me be!" (that was just one of her southern expressions). Mom's neighbor across the street use to laugh and enjoy watching me and mom tugging at the mower. I was tugging to get it from her and she was tugging to keep it. "I enjoy cutting grass. It gives me exercise and helps my arthritic knee." "Uh?" "When I get to the point where I can't pull the mower cord, I'll let you know." She was eighty then. About two years later, she said "You can take over the grass cutting now." She had hurt her shoulder pulling on the cord. Thank goodness it wasn't severe.

After my dad retired from the insurance business, he was always finding projects to do. He could always plant and harvest a good garden. I remember one year, we were infested with Japanese Beatles. Those little varmints were everywhere. You good look and turn over a leaf and there they were! Well, the hardware store were selling beatle catchers or traps You could sit them on a pole in or beside your garden and the little boogers would get caught in the trap. Hundreds of them! Dad bought two traps. He set one in his garden and set the other one close to Mr Gittons garden. (Mom and dad's next door neighbor.) Dad was catching and burying dead beatles by the hundreds from both traps. He asked Mr. Gitton, "John, have you had many beatles? "I am catching them by the hundreds." "Well Claude, since you asked, I am not having a whole lot." Mr Gitton had bought himself one of those traps. Now that puzzled dad. "Why? Our gardens are right beside each other." Come to find out, with those two traps, He was catching his and Mr Gitton's beatles. Dad, Mr Gitton and both families had a good laugh over dad's effiiency as a "Beatle Hunter."

As I mentioned, Dad loved to work on projects. Especially for the outdoors. One of his projects was to make a swing set from a discarded children's swing set. He repaired, sanded, and painted. Looked real good. He then hung a wooden three person swing from the over head metal bar. This was before his retirement. Dad died. Years later, I was visiting my sweet aged mother. We sat in the swing set. We were rocking slowly, talking to each other. All of a sudden, we began to slowly descend to the ground. We looked at each other with quizzical exprssions. As we got almost to ground, "I said, Mom, hold you legs straight out." We were sitting on the ground looking at each other. The
metal top bar from which the swing hung had rusted and we had slowly and carefully descended. We were laughing, and both managed to get to our knees and pull ourselves up. Precious Memories.

Mom needed the care of a nursing home. At 89 years of age, she was near heaven. She began slipping in and out of consciousness. One day I was visiting. I said, "Mom, can you hear me?" "I love you so much Mom." I wanted her to respond so bad. By the grace of God, she did. She slowly opened her sweet kind eyes, looked at me, and said, "Oh Bob, I love you so much." I could hear Angels singing. She ascended a short time later.

Folks, Keep telling your Mother you love her. There is nothing like the love of a good mother. She will be there for you when others walk away.

"A MOTHER'S LOVE"

A little boy came up to his mother in the kitchen one evening while she was fixing supper, and handed her a piece of paper that he had been writing on. After his Mom dried her hands on an apron, she read it.

And this is what it said:
- For cutting the grass: $5.00
- For cleaning up my room this week: $1.00
- For going to the store for you: $.50
- Baby sitting my kid brother while you went shopping: $.25
- Taking out the garbage: $1.00
- For getting a good report card: $5.00
- For cleaning up and raking the yard: $2.00

= Total owed: $14.75

Well, his mother looked at her freckle faced little boy and he could see the memories flashing through her mind. She picked up the pen, turned over the paper he'd written on, and this is what she wrote:
- For the nine months I carried you while you were growing inside me: No Charge
- For all the nights that I've sat up with you, doctored and prayed for you: No Charge
- For all the trying times, and all the tears that you've caused through the years: No Charge
- For all the nights that were filled with dread, and for the worries I knew were ahead: No Charge
- For the toys, food, clothes, and even wiping your nose: No Charge

Son, when you add it up, the cost of my love is: No Charge

When the boy finished reading what his mother had written, there were big tears in his eyes, and he looked straight at his mother and said, "Mom, I sure do love you." And then he took the pen and in great big letters he wrote: "PAID IN FULL".

- If your mom is alive and close to you, give her a big kiss and thank her for her love. If you need to ask forgiveness from your Mom, don't put it off. Do it now. Tomorrow may never come. If she is far away, call her. If she passed away, pray for her.

First of four jokes - "GRANDPA'S FROG SOUND"

One day a boy asked his grandpa. "Grandpa, make a frog sound."
The grandfather asked, Why? The boy said, "Grandma says, when you
croak, we are going to Hawaii."


"THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CONFIDENT AND CONFIDENTIAL"

Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. You are my son. Of that, I am confident. Your friend
Timmy is also my son. That is confidential."


"THE LIVING WILL"

"Just so you know. I never want to live in a vegetative state; dependent on some machine or fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.


"WHEN THE BABY CRIES"


With the help of a fertility specialist, a very very old mother has a baby. All her relatives are in awe and very curious to visit and meet the newest member of the family. When they ask to see the baby, the aged mother says, "Not Yet"

A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Not Yet"

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby."

And the mother says, "When the baby cries."

So they ask. "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries."

The new mother says, "I forgot where I put it."

"A LITTLE FELLOW FOLLOWS ME"

A careful man I ought to be,
A little fellow follows me.
I dare not go astray,
For fear he'll go the self-same way.

I cannot once escape his eyes,
Whatever he sees me do, he tries.
Like me, he says, he's going to be,
The little chap who follows me.

He thinks that I am good and fine,
Believes in every word of mine.
The base in me he must not see,
That little fellow who follows me.

I must remember as I go,
Thru summers' sun and winters' snow,
I am building for the years to be,
In the little chap who follows me.


by Rev. Claude Wisdom White, Sr

"GETTING USE TO IT"

You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.

He responded, "Sure, You carry the suitcases!"

"

... and I will push the pram.

Good morning Tonkin. Ha Ha Here in the states we call them strollers or baby carriages. I wonder if his car was soaped and tin cans tied onto his bumper, as he snuggled closely to his new blushing bride? Blushing?!

"HOW TO QUICKLY DITCH A BLIND DATE"

Here are some tips these bad people devised on how to ditch an unsavory blind date.

- Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about himself/herself.

- Without asking, eat off of your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.

- Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full, and spray crumbs. If a crumb lands anywhere near your date, pick up the crumb, put it in your mouth and say, "I'm all about conservation."

- Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.

- Howl and whistle at women's legs, especially if you are female.

- Lick your plate. Offer to lick your date's.

- Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.

- Discretely fill your pockets with sugar packets, napkins, salt shakers, silverware, floral arrangements, etc...

- Hold a debate. Take both sides.

- Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.

- If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite, pretend like the food is disgusting and say, "Man, did you get ripped off!"

- Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.

- Ask your date how much money they have with them.

- Repeat every third third word you say say.

- Read a newspaper, book or listen to a book on tape during the meal.

- Insist that the waiter cut your food into little pieces.

- Insist that the waiter take one bite from everything served to you. Explain that you need to make sure no one has poisoned your food.

- Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.

THIS ONE WILL DEFINTELY GUARANTEE A QUICK EXIT FROM YOUR DATE.

- Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.

"I BELIEVE"

I believe-
That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I believe-
That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and, you must forgive them for that.

I believe-
That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I believe-
That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I believe-
That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I believe-
That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I believe-
That you can keep going long after you can't.

I believe-
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I believe-
That regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I believe-
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe-
That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I believe-
That just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I believe-
That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe-
That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I believe-
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe-
Thaat just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other, and just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I believe-
That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.

I believe-
That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

"GOLFING WITH GOD"


Moses, Jesus and another guy were out playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.

The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into on-coming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there it bounced onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolled down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, it hit a little stone and bounced out over the water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.

Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."


God surely has a sense of humor. Just listen and look around us. I pray that he keeps his anger under control.

"GOD'S VOICE MAIL" Most of us have now learned to live with "Voice Mail" as a necessary part of our daily lives. But have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and instead of hearing God speaking "To your heart" you hear the following following message.


Thank you for calling Heaven.
For English, press 1.
For Spanish, press 2.
For all other languages, press 0.
Please select one of the following
options:
Press 1 for Requests.
Press 2 for Thanksgiving.
Press 3 for Complaints.

I am sorry. All of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us, and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:

God: Press 1.
Jesus: Press 2.
Holy Spirit Press 3.
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, Press 4.

To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, Press 5, then enter his or hers social security number, folloowed by the "pound" sign (If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial 666.)
For reservations at Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N, followed by the numbers 3-1-6.

For answers to nagginhg questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah"s Ark is, please wait until you arrive.

Our computers show that you have already prayed today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow. The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. Please pray again on Monday after 9:30 am.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.

Thank you and have a heavenly day!

"TAKING IT WITH YOU"

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. Because I wanna take my money to the afterlife with me." He got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of his money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black, and her best friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertaker got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her. She came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. Her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't a fool enough to put all that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in that casket with the man?" "I sure did" said his wife. "I wrote him a check."

"GUARDIAN ANGELS/ANGELS - WHAT DOES THE BIBLE HAVE TO SAY"

Author: BRUCE A BUSSELL

From everything I can read and understand, it is possible to be helped by a guardian angel, but it is important to remember that, if you are helped by a guardian angel, they work for God. That means that God commanded that the angel help you. Your gratitude should be toward God and not the angel. The Bible makes it clear that angels do not want our gratitude. Here is a verse that proves that.

Revelation 22:8. Now I, John saw and heard these things and when I heard and saw, I fell down to worship before the feet of the angel who showed me these things. v 9: Then he said to me, see that you do not do that. For I am your fellow servant, and of your brethren the prophets, and of those who keep the words of this book. Worship God.

God uses angels to serve and protect us. Shouldn't we try to contact a guardian angel? Let me say rather emphatically, NOOOOOO!

The Bible makes it clear that trying to contact angels is dangerous.

Reason? Not all angels are good. Look at this verse to understand.

2 Corinthians 11:14 And no wonder! For even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light. v 15: So it is not strange if his servants also disguise themselves as servants of righteousness. Their end will correspond to their deeds.

Satan is an angel. His followers are fallen angels. If you try to contact an angel, isn't it possible that a fallen angel will come and try to lead you away from God? Contact and worship the true God of Righteousness. Don't talk to an angel. God's angels are used by Him. Angels can do nothing without God's will.


An Angel story - "SNOWLIGHT"

A few years ago, my husband was diagnosed with Choriocarcinoma, a type of testicular cancer. He was only 23 as he began numerous cancer treatments.

At one point during his treatment, he began to bleed internally, resulting in emergency exploratory surgery. They almost lost him then but got him stable in time to find a tumor the size of a football that had caused the hemmorrhage.

Another surgery was planned for two days later. Things looked grim though, and the doctors prepared me for the worst.

I stayed with him every minute, holding his hand and praying. We kept the television on as the hours went by, but didn't really watch it until a show about angels came on. It was one of those reenactment shows, where they told one story after another of healings, miracles and visits by angels. In one segment, a man was praying for his son to be healed, and it happened.

Inspired, I asked my husband if he would let me pray to God to heal him. He couldn't talk because he had a breathing tube in his mouth, but he nodded his head, yes. I began to pray.

I asked God to please, send angels and to touch my husband and make him well. I just kept saying the same prayer over and over. As I prayed, I looked up and saw what looked like snow made of light falling on my husband. It was like out of a movie. He didn't appear to see it, so I didn't mention it to him at the time; figuring maybe it was a figment of my imagination. Still though, deep down, I felt that in that very moment, God had heard me and intervened.

Later, while in the ICU room with my husband, his father called from Massachusetts to tell us about a woman from church who had seen a vision about his son. She said she had seen him in ICU with angels surrounding his bed. I brought up what I had seen while I was in ICU room praying. I looked over at my husband and as I described the snow made of light, my husband began to nod. I asked him if he saw it too. He nodded his head, Yes! So much for my overactive imagination. We all praised God, knowing then and there all would be well.

As for my husband, he made it through just fine. Two years have passed and as far as his cancer goes, the last time he had a check-up, he was normal.

Sherry Cominos


"DR BILLY GRAHAM TALKS ABOUT ANGELS"

Dr. Graham proclaims:

"God created the angels even before the world existed. They are spirtual beings (although sometimes they can take visible form) and were created to be God's servants and messengers.

The Bible tells us that God has given them the task of protecting and helping His children. The Bible says, "Are not all angels ministering spirits sent to serve those who will inherit salvation. (Hebrews 1:14) Elsewhere the Bible says, "For he will command his angels concerning you in all your ways" (Psalm 91:11). This is God's promise to you. A Promise! A promise from GOD!!

In his book, "Angels" Dr Graham writes:

"The Bible teaches that angels intervene in the affairs of nations. God often uses them to execute judgment on nations. They guide, comfort and provide for the people of God in the midst of suffering and persecution. Martin Luther once said in Table Talk, "An angel is a spirtual creature without a body created by God for the service of christendom and the church.

He will give his angels charge of you in all your ways (Psalm 91:11, RSV)

I, 1bobbylee experienced I am sure, a spirtual intervention. Shortly after my Mother died, I was in the family home going through Mom's things and even my Dad's. (Some things of my Dad's, mom would not discard). I had been there all day and was tired. I was very sad handling the personal
possessions of my parents. I went to bed early. I drifted off to sleep with tears streaming down and heart rendering grief. I awoke, looked at my watch. It was early am. I arose to almost a sitting position. I heard the soft pattering of feet coming down the hall toward my room. I looked up and mom was standing in the doorway with that sweet smile on her face. She was younger. I said, "Mom?" She came in and sat on the side of my bed. Nothing was said between us. She reached and gave me a long hug. Then she did something that surprised me. She tapped my nose three times. She quietly got up and left the room. To this day, I cannot understand why she tapped my nose three times. Before she died, I had asked her to meet me when I passed over. I will then know. It was so real. I had never experienced anything like that before or since. I could feel her hug... and the taps on my nose. I was grieving. I believe mom was given permission to visit me. To let me know that she is not suffering anymore and is happy. I thought at times the taps may have said, "I'll meet you." I really don't know.

"THE PREACHERS MULE"


A man bought a mule from a preacher
The preacher told the man
That this mule had been trained in a very unique way,
- being the mule of a preacher. -
The only way to make the mule go, is to say, "Hallelujah!"
The only way to make the mule stop, is to say, "Amen!"
The man was pleased with his purchase
And immediately got on the animal
To try out the preacher's instructions.
"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The mule began to trot.
"Amen!" shouted the man. The mule stopped immediately.

"This is great!" said the man.
With a "Hallelujah," he rode off very proud of his new purchase.
The man traveled for a long time through some mountains.
Soon he was heading toward a cliff,
He could not remember the word to make the mule stop.
"Stop!" said the man.
"Halt!" he cried.
The mule just kept going.
"Oh, no...
"Bible!...Church...Please stop!!" shouted the man.
The mule just began to trot faster.
He was now getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff.
Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer...
"Please, dear Lord.
Please make this mule stop before I go off the edge of this mountain.
In Jesus name, AMEN".
The mule came to an abrupt stop
Just one step from the edge of the cliff.
"HALLELUJAH!" shouted the man!!!

"Nooooo, you @#^$%&(*@~&%*%?&!!

"THE PIZZA DELIVERY DRIVER'S TIP IS WAITING IN HEAVEN"

We have had three big snow storms in the last six weeks. The first one put down 18 inches in my area. I was the only driver who came in a day after the store closed all day. I took a delivery to a house. Without my four-wheel drive, I would have never made it up the hill to get to his street. I still had to park a little ways from the house and walk. The total on the bill was $17 something. He handed me a $20 and said he needed his change back. He then proceeded to explain to me why he doesn't tip.

"I didn't tip you because you will receive your tip in Heaven. The Lord put you here today to make sure people like me get something to eat."


"The self righteous religious nut case!" What a PHONY!!

Remember what No Tips spells backward??

"A TESTING QUESTION"

This guy's wife asks, "Honey if I died would you remarry?"

He replies, "Well after a considerable period of grieving, we all need companionship, I guess I would."

She says, "If I died and you remarried, would she live in this house?"

He replies, "We've spent a lot of time and money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house, I guess she would."

So she asks, (Poor man is like a lamb being led to the slaughter) If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house would she sleep in our bed?"

(Uh Oh! "Be careful Roscoe!")

And he says, "That bed is brand new, we just paid two thousand dollars for it, it's going to last a long time, I guess she would."

So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"

(I tried to warn you Roscoe!)

And he says, "Oh no, she's left handed."


Roscoe's funeral service will be held Saturday, 1 pm. at "Silence is Golden Cemetery" It is directly across the road from "You Made Your Hole
for One" Golf Club.

"KIDS' LITTLE INSTRUCTIONS ON LIFE"


- Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick Age 10

- When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
Matthew Age 12


- Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.
Andrew Age 9

- Wear a hat when feeding seagulls - Rocky Age 9

- Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Rosemary Age 7

- Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your
parents are doing taxes. - Carol Age 9

- Never bug a pregnant mom. - Nicholas Age 11

- When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer
him. - Heather Age 16

- Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
Joel Age 12

- When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's
on the phone. - Alyesha Age 13

- Never try to baptize a cat. - Laura Age 13

- Never spit when on a roller coaster. - Scott Age 11

- Stay away from prunes. - Randy Age 9

- Never dare your little brother to paint the family car. Philip Age 13

- Remember the two places you are always welcome-church and grandma's
house. Joanne Age 11

"THE CHOICE IS YOURS"

This is a true story of something that happened just a few years ago at USC.

There was a professor of philosophy there who believed deeply that there was no God. His primary goal for one required class was to spend the entire semester attempting to prove that God couldn't exist. His students were always afraid to argue with him because of his impeccable logic. For twenty years, he had taught this class and no one had ever
had the courage to go against him.

Sure, some had argued in class at times, but no one had ever really gone
against him because of his reputation.

At the end of every semester on the last day, he would say to his class of
300 students, "If there is anyone here who still believes in Jesus, stand up!" In twenty years, no one had ever stood up. They knew what he was going to do next. He would say, "Because anyone who believes in God is a fool. If God existed, he could stop this piece of chalk from hitting the ground and breaking. Such a simple task to prove that He is God, and yet he can't do it." And every year he would drop the chalk onto the tile floor of the classroom and it would shatter into a hundred pieces. All of the students would do nothing but stop and stare. Most of the students thought that God couldn't exist. Certainly a number of Christians had slipped through, but for 20 years, they had been too afraid to stand up.

Well, a few years ago there was a freshman who happened to enroll. He was a Christian, and had heard the stories about his professor. He was required to take the class for his major, and he was afraid. But for three months that semester, he prayed every morning that he would have the courage to stand up no matter what the professor said, or what the class thought.

Nothing they said could ever shatter his faith...he hoped. Finally the day came. The professor said, "If there is anyone here who still believes in God, stand up!" The professor and the class of 300 people looked at him, shocked, as he stood up at the back of the classroom.

"You fool!!! If God existed, he would keep this piece of chalk from breaking when it hit the ground!" He proceeded to drop the chalk, but as he did, it slipped out of his fingers, off his shirt cuff onto the pleat of his pants, down his leg, and off his shoe. As it hit the tile floor, it simply rolled away unbroken.

The professor's jaw dropped as he stared at the chalk. He looked up at the young man, and then ran out of the lecture hall. The young man who had stood, proceeded to walk to the front of the room and shared his faith in Jesus for the next half hour. 300 students stayed and listened as he told of God's love for them and of his power through Jesus.

"WISDOM FROM GRANDPA"


- When a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on
the kind of chick he marries.

- Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin his
salt, he forgets his sugar.

- If a man has enough horse sense to trust his wife like a thoroughbred,
she will never turn into an old nag.

- A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to washin,'
ironin,' cooking,' and scrubbin! No wife of mine is going to work!"

- The bonds of matrimony are a good investment. Only when the interest
is kept up.

- Too many couples marry for better, or for worse and not for good.

"FUNNY BLIND DATE"

Once there was as girl who wanted a boyfriend. Her mom wanted to
help her, so she set up a blind date for her daughter.

When the girl got back from the date she said "That was the worst
night of my life!"

"Why is that?" her mom asked.

"He owns a 1922 Rolls Royce!"

"Isn't that a good thing?"

"He's the original owner mom!"

"HANS OLAFFSEN'S LAUNDRY"


A visitor is walking through Chinatown, sees a building with a sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry". "Hans Olaffsen" he thinks. "How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"

So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen?" The old man answers, "Is name of owner." The visitor asks "Well, who is the owner?" "I am he," answers the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"

The old man replied, "Many years ago when I came to this country, I was standing in line at Document Center. Man in front of me was big blond Swede. Lady looks at him and go "What your name?" He say "Hans Olaffsen." She look at me and say, "What your name? I say Sam Ting."

"MALE ASSERTIVENESS"

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertivness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.

"OBSERVING THE BABY"


Observing the Baby one night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied, "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."

"PSALMS TO HELP EASE YOUR WORRY"


If you are like me, and possibly other people in this world, we are experiencing stress, worry, or even depression in witnessing sad and seemingly hopeless situtations. War, Financial stress, aleination in our families. Could we be screaming out? "Help!" These Psalms have eased my heart and soul. There is refuge and promise in His word. I thank the source for sending me this.

PSALM 32:7 - You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.

PSALM 31:2 - Turn you ear to me,
Come quickly to my rescue;
Be my rock of refuge,
A strong fortress to save me.

PSALM 91:4 - He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
His faithfulness will be your
shield and rampart.

PSALM 55:22 - Cast your cares on the Lord
and he will sustain you;
He will never let the
righteouos fall.

PSALM 46:1 - God is our refuge and strength,
an ever present help in trouble.

PSALM 68:19 - Praise be to the Lord, to God our saviour,
Who daily bears our burdens.

PSALM 34:8 - Taste and see that the Lord is good;
Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.


- Read these other relieving words from God himself.

PSALM 18:2
PSALM 28:7
PSALM 29:11-7
PSALM 34:24
PSALM 43: 5-6
PSALM 73:26
PSALM 103:2-5

Too Old for Halloween?

"TEN SIGNS THAT YOU'RE TOO OLD FOR TRICK OR TREATING"

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance
and fall over.

6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a
mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..."and can't remember the
rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your
hairpiece.

2. You're the only Super Hero in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

"CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS"


- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

- The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

- The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.

- Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

- The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved...the financial secretary gave a grief report.

- Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

- The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.

- Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Name: Bertha Belch. Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."

- Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."

- Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

-

"MORE CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS"

- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

- Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

- The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowsip Hall after the B.S. is done.

- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped my Pledge - Up Yours."

"GENERATIONS PAST"

Author: Shannon Fahine

Days fly by quickly
and children move on.
Before we know it
the "old times" are gone.
But as we look back
at generations gone by,
We, reflect on the memories
that serve as a tie.
Binding us together
with future and past;
and building a story
that forever will last.

"THE TOP 17 REASONS WHY YOUR FAMILY IS DYSFUNCTIAL"

17. New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family.

16. Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.

15. Your mother and your pre-teen sister always fighting over the last beer.

14. In the midst of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.

13. Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.

12. Local police save money by making your house a precinct substation.

11. Brother is writing nostalgic screenplay, "A Menendez Family Christmas."

10. Your new little sister is named after a famous serial killer.

9. Holidays usually celebrated by sniffing glue and kicking a toaster around the house.

8. Your son informs you that he doesn't care to be your cell mate anymore.

7. You have to buy separate Mother's Day cards to each of mom's personalities.

6. Family discussions usually begin with, "Put the gun down."

5. You "finally" get your work published in a major newspaper and your rat brother sics the Feds on you.

4. Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads a passage from Penthouse Forum.

3. Thanksgiving dinner consists of wild turkey instead of roast turkey.

2. Didn't make today's top five list? Dad holds ya, Mom beats ya.

1. No more sunny breakfast nook now that kitchen is a methamphetamine lab.

DIFFERENT DRUG PROBLEM

Editor's note:

The following letter has appeared on the internet and was viewed by many readers. Many felt it would be appropriate for the readers of Avoyelles Parish.

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a Methamaphetamin Lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question. Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?

I replied. I had a drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.

I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults. I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.

I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity. I was drugged out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds and cockleburgs out of dad's fields. I was drug to the homes of family, friends and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood, and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.

Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if some of today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.

God bless the parents who drugged me.